My thoughts on my happiness, or greater happiness.

It's been a while since I posted anything here and I thought I'd do something with actual substance.

I'd rather be broke, so long as I was living in the place I want. I mean, I'm no longer so attached to anything that I don't think I could leave it behind or take it with. I also don't want to sound like I'm hating life here or that I'm ungrateful, this is the place I was born and raised; however, I think my happiness would be greater in a more metropolis location, and by no means would I have to be attached strictly to one location. And no, I wouldn't choose to be broke, but I wouldn't worry if I was.

I believe if I was in a more metropolis location I would feel less stifled, more free to be me, surrounded by more peers, and able to entertain more of my passions. For this I wouldn't need a lot....

Basically I'm over the materialistic trip, I just want options, many options!

blog arc

A link to each posting having anything to do with Kenya and I:

Memory Reenactment
London New Year
I'm trying to remember something
My 9/11
First Skydive
Good Night, Bad Times
Down, Down down
How it happened for me
Losing Faith
Troubling Post From Way Back When
OK, So I finally finished school

Muscles - The Lake

One of my favorite songs/videos for various reasons(Yes, I know it's old, and I may have mentioned it before):


got knocked unconscious
back dead broken
at the lake

you broke the promise
just be honest
just be honest
just be...

if we're going and seize the day
lets seize the day

all my friends have gone

if its gonna save the night
lets save the night

so i dive right in

if we're going and seize the day
lets seize the day

all my friends have gone

if its gonna save the night
lets save the night

so i dive right in

i could of left you in the water

should we go back there? back in the water?
so you can show me what you've done

should we go back there? back in the water?
so you can show me what you've done

should we go back there? back in the water?
so you can show me what you've done

should we go back there? back in the water?
so you can show me what you've done

NAS Built, still need parts

Ha, so building up an old PC to be a NAS isn't all that hard. Just getting two different brand computers to combine into one was the big difficulty. Now I have an ugly, but functional NAS device, but sadly, between the two PC's neither had a network card so I'm in need of one in order to fully claim I've got a NAS. I used FreeNAS for the software and was able to load that fine, and until I get the network card, that's as far as I've gotten... Progress, but I sure would like ot use new parts for once!

I win

In my frustration with routers and some tinkering I've tried to improve on the workings of the devices and in that endeavor I recently managed to kill my WRT54G-V5.  This is a pretty popular router for modding, so I was convinced that I could recover it.  I soldered on a jumper so I could attach a JTAG and work to recover it.  This was about a month ago and I wasn't having any kind of luck.  The JTAG interface is desperately slow and I wasn't completely sure what I was doing, but I was reading and didn't have much to lose.  I'd attempted multiple flashes and erasing of firmwares, OEM and custom, all to no avail.  I'd let the thing load up the firmware only to find it still staring back at me doing NOTHING. Kept reading/researching.  So after taking some time away from the thing, I today went back to work and was able to recover the device and get it working back to the state I wanted it in in the first place; IE custom firmware.

I win!

Next project: NAS, and maybe I'll finish the homemade digital picture frame, also I've got to try that external Rx.  I've got a list, believe me I've got a list!

My demons

I've actually been trying to be a better friend overall recently and have been helping some of my friends with their demons, so I thought it would be a good idea to put some of mine down. Mostly so I can just explain them away and work through them, but also so I don't forget what some of them are:

Futility: The instant I was diagnosed I was a dead man; There is no point in anything anymore, all I have is this moment; and that's borrowed. This seems like a justification of nihilism. I think I can spin this to my advantage.

Courtship: Who wants to waste time with a person who will "never" be cured, ie remission, what's the point? And why should I even ask it of anyone, that's not fair and I'd just get sympathy anyhow, right? This seems like cowardice and defeatist.

Invulnerability: I feel like I could run through glass windows all day long and it wouldn't bother me, nor would it hurt me.

Artifice: I can never let my health insurance lapse or else I'll never get covered again. (that's another trap in my life) Defeatist
I've been dodging bullets all my life, I'll dodge these!

I asked for this question!

Why you go through the pain of running to reach your personal best?

I first have to clarify that running for me is not very painful. I don't find it disagreeable and in general I find it fun, but would like to do it faster. I have had my fair share of injuries, a weird foot thing, shin splints, some big blisters, the usual; that is just what I expect from it. The human body is a work of art, art is delicate sometimes thus I expect that some of the steps taken to improve it won't always be pleasant, but will be beneficial.

I have no idea what my personal best is, so I don't really look at it as I'm going to reach anything. It's more a mind over matter type of thing. I just know I can push myself further, want to push myself further, will push myself further, always! Also, I am comparing myself to people around me stoking my ego when I can and raising the bar when I can't.

A recent addition to why I run is my medical condition. I've explained it before how as a result of running I discovered cancer. Because that is a result of running, I feel some debt to running and must continue to do it in order to continue to save my life!

Finally, and in my case probably firstly, I admit... I'm a bit vain. Not offensively, but I do think I can look better and feel better as a result of running. This goes back the body as art thing and enhancing and preserving it.

Also

I made mention on a write up from way back. Well, I think I've got it mostly filled out, I may go back over it and edit details if I remember or if anyone volunteers them. Also I've got pictures I can add!

London 2001/2002

As promised

A few posts back I made mention of some old(over 10 years ago) correspondence between myself and a girlfriend. I've come across those recently and noted a few observations she made that I think are still relevant... but maybe they're just a bit too general when taken out of context, especially considering this is all from a time when I was younger and way, way, WAY more rash... Nevertheless, and I quote:

"...you like things to be fair, but it is my opinion that in the long run, you will be the only one you haven't been fair to. you will not have been around long enough to make an impact on anyone's life, neither good nor bad, so fairness is completely irrelevant where anyone else is concerned..."

"...you are a people person, you like to have friends and decent, if not good, company..."

Bet you can't guess which suit is my fave...

So, What are your favourite movies of all time?

This is the lead in to a recent discussion that I had with my brother and his wife. My answer is difficult to confine, because I can't really say any movie specifically, I've just never been fully reached by any movie to the point I'd call it a favourite. I've liked a lot of movies for a lot of different reasons and I can only watch a few over and over, and even those I can't do for extended periods of time. In the interest of coming to some answer to the question I'll just have to put a list up and explain why they're high on my list...somewhat categorical as well:

Donnie Darko: has been one I liked a long time; existential love story; the directors cut did more to bash you over the head with existential arguments, the original was much better and subtle.

Star Wars: A "western" in space, what more could a guy want... only the original 3 do I really favor.

Indiana Jones: A "western" treasure hunt, just plain good adventure. Again, only the original 3, lets not even mention that last atrocity....

American Psycho: Just a great criticism of 80's society and some great acting by Christian Bale...perhaps a bit morose.

Young Guns: A really fun western shoot em up!

Alien: One of the best Sci-Fi horror/thriller films with one vicious alien.

Aliens: This time a great action Sci-Fi film.

Moulin Rouge: Tragic love and music, I just think it was a fun film.

Virgin Suicides:

Dune: The idea of a messiah is always interesting to me. A vast nothingness has always enticed me that there is something more beneath the surface...

There are more I plan to identify, but I'll have to come back to this...

2009 looks to be the year

Finally,
I see no obstacles to it happening. I've had the will for ages. I've been a member of the fan club for the past year. U2 is threatening to tour, supporting their new album! I will see them this time!

I fell in love with the band with the 'Achtung Baby' album. During the ZooTV tour I was 14 or 15 I believe, and just missed the opportunity to see them. My sister-in-law had won tickets to the show; I really wanted to go, but age and circumstance prevented it. Every subsequent tour U2 went on I never got to go for one reason or another. Usually when they were in town it was during finals week so I couldn't go; Popmart tour - I had finals, Elevation tour - actually saving my money for a trip and I wasn't loving the album, Vertigo tour - probably the closest I've come to seeing them since ZooTV but I just couldn't commit to seeing the last show in Boston and tickets were pricey.

This time I'm planning ahead, saving the money, and going to go no matter what I think of the next album! There is no reason for me not to see them this time around and I deserve it!

Happy Christmas Everyone and Happy New Year

I wish you all the best!

Art - another self portrait

I admit I'm a narcissist, but here is a self portrait I did recently that I've received some praise for; you be the judge! I do think it makes me look sad, which, SURPRISE, I'm not!

Sometimes I just want to drive until my iPod runs out of music

And by sometimes I mean lately that's been most times!

No! I'm not trying to escape anything right now, but I don't think you could blame me. No, it's just that I have a lot of good music and I just want to keep going and going and...

I do also have a lot of wanderlust at this time. I'm coming to an understanding of how little of this world I've seen and how much of it I do care to see. So, I'm thinking I should just keep going. I have made some awesome drives in my day, but I'd like to take some time with them from now on. I mean, the whirlwind drive non-stop from Nashville, TN to Boise, ID will always be epic in it's sheer scale and impetuousness, but I'd really like to take the time to actually see what there is to see between here and there, where ever that might be.

And, yes, I would like to get away a bit. I mean, jeez, things have been dreadful lately and this cold weather is getting to me!

If I haven't put this up here yet, I should have

And what would this blog be without some music!!! Probably one of my current favourite videos/remixes, not to detract from the original, Feist '1 2 3 4' Van She Tech remix to 'My Moon' video:


And the original:

Working on some things for this one

Lately I've been doing some things I've been meaning to do and I've come across some old journal entries and things that I'm hoping to put up here. I've already posted up some entries from 2002 you can find in the blog archives. Things from when I was quite a bit more philosophical and a bit younger too.

Posted up an old draft from earlier this year reflecting on Kenya and I. It no longer applies, so it's there and I don't have much else to say about it...

Also I'm working on some other posts from old things I've found and thoughts I'm ruminating over. I found some old correspondence between an old girlfriend and I and re-read it and found some good advice/observations on her part that I need to remember; I'll share those. Also found a autobiography I started, might work on that for you. Also an account of the trip Kenya and I took to London, I'm going to see if I can get some help to flesh that out and get it on here. Finally, there are a few things on my mind that just are the usual for this blog, so... sometime, I guess.
Best,
X

The unnatural yellow of yellow mustard.

I admit, I like the stuff. I've liked it since I was a child, but I also like most other mustard... Still, is it me or has the yellowness of yellow mustard gotten to some extremely weird hue? I don't think it was ever any natural yellow color, but now it seems to have gone to some point off the scale of what's natural or appetizing. Maybe it is the fluorescent lighting, maybe my eye's are bad(partly true), maybe it's trying to get peoples attention, and maybe the yellow 5 and yellow 6 got mixed wrong; but it really seems to be this almost neon yellow color. In quantity it looks like bright vomit(sorry that's gross), and when you spread it out you could simulate the sun it's practically blinding! I'm tempted to use it as paint for anything I want to see at night, maybe they should use it for street signs etc etc. It's just so obscene.

The progress of my typical head cold.

This is just so I can try and remember what to expect in the future.

Day 1. Feel a little tickle in my nose/sinus.
Day 2. Begin to feel a dry/scratchyness in the back of my throat/sinus.
Day 3. Cold sets in, sore itchy throat, congestion.
Day 4. More of the same. Fever/chills start in the evening. Lot's of hydration.
Day 5. Begin expectorating, congestion is reducing, big sleep.
Day 6. Expectorating continues, sore throat gone, no congestion. Feel good enough to do anything.
Day 7. Still very dry sinuses. Occasional cough.
Day 8. More of the same, but feeling well enough in general.

I'm trying to remember something interesting

but I really can't. I've got a lot of thoughts circling my little head, but don't want to jump the gun by blurting them out here, and the rest are just things that will be answered very soon anyhow...

Ah, yes, I remember, a conversation I had recently about the relationship between Kenya and I. No, this is not a lament, just a matter of fact; the question being, "If you two were together for so long, why didn't you get married?"

To understand where that question comes from you'd have to know that we were together for AGES(6 years). The simple answer is that she and I, always in conversation, agreed that we never would get married, that we didn't need it, and it wasn't necessary for our relationship to progress. It started out that we agreed that we weren't "forever." I always felt that she needed to be free and not settle down soon. That also applied to me, I never felt I was ready for that, and even if I was, I wouldn't have known.

After we'd agreed we weren't "forever," things just progressed as they might. We shared all the good things in a relationship and very few of the bad. I guess in that progression "forever" for me became marriage, and for her... well, honestly it never, ever, came up or I never heard it from her.

A long time later, and some of my own mistakes, looking back I can say we got into a rut and neither of us had the time to do anything about it. We both were back in school, me finishing my degree and her part way through, both working. We rarely saw each other, I had little time for anything and when I did I wasn't the most pleasant, always having things on my mind... Communication broke down and ultimately I was so focused on school I didn't see breakdowns in our relationship. I still had faith we didn't need marriage, faith in our relationship, and I'm sure she believed I'd be reluctant to marry or engage since we'd always agreed that we weren't "forever."

All in all, it just never really came up as a serious conversation and by the time it probably should of, we were both beyond anything like that.

Now I'm just beyond.