Losing Faith....

This letter was written a couple weeks after our break-up. I was all messed up, but here it is.

Dear Kenya,

Well, I’ve written quite a few letters so far and only mailed or got a few off to you…Why is that? Well, I just don’t want to be rash. You are very special to me, and I never wanted to lose you, it kills me that we are in this position. I am even more devastated by your ability to easily begin a new relationship with someone else. I wish I could ask you to just stop, to take some time and really consider everything that’s going on. I want you to know I really wanted to spend time with you every night, I really did stay out as late as I could, hoping you would get in touch with me so we could talk or do anything. And I really did trust that you were with Sarah.

I know I’ve done my own “infidelity,” for lack of a better term, but what you have done now is so much more. In the past I have been careless with my “love” and it feels to me like that is what you are doing now. My carelessness really was rare though, I have nearly always made love because I was in it. And, my infidelity while we were together, it is so different to me, I mean, oral sex lacks intimacy to me, has less meaning when a woman performs it on a man. I guess ultimately I feel it’s demeaning. So, when I did what I did with that girl, it had no value to me, I only received a physical pleasure from it along with a devastating blow to my conscience. But what you are doing now, I mean, that’s a part of love, a part of a relationship that you want to keep. And that really hurts, I don’t know how you can just go from a 6 year relationship to someone else and start it all over again with such seriousness. It leaves me cold and sick just thinking about it. I mean, what are you thinking??? Emotionally you aren’t even normal yet, are you? I can’t image trying to start a meaningful relationship with someone after leaving such a serious relationship…I guess it just comes down to what your goal is; to leave me. I suppose you believe we would try to work it all out and we might even, so you believe if you started something else, if you went far enough there would be no coming back… I hope this isn’t really how you feel, but it is my observation and it seems accurate, from here.

I really am confused Kenya, it hurts to think these things, to believe them and to see what you are doing. I’m so afraid that even if we got together again, how would we get past all this, would you ever say I’m the one again? If you did would I believe you? Would you even be happy?

The thing about that article is, I wish we could be doing those things together, trying to work those things out, making our relationship better. I really do believe that love conquers all, it’s crazy I know, but it’s possible, if we just let it. Yes, it makes me terribly nervous, makes me so nervous I would lie and say love doesn’t exist, but I know it, I’ve been living with it for 6 years, and I loved it, I thought we were so good, doing so well, getting what we needed until a time when our time was all ours, and we could be together, enjoying each other like we do. Sometime like now, this summer, with some free time, just being together like we enjoy, doing things we enjoy.

I’m so mad that you could just throw us away for some sweet words from a desperate man, I fucking hate you for this, you are being stupid. What has gotten into you that you can’t see the ways you have been manipulated by these people, was I suppose to marry you, how was I supposed to know when you wouldn’t even talk to me. What happened that I’m not even your best friend, that you couldn’t even tell me your misgivings, your doubts. It’s like you orchestrated this so your mind couldn’t be changed.

And I don’t want to be like Chantelle and Joe, where, when your other relationships don’t work you try with me, but always in the back of your mind planning your next out. And I don’t want to be like Joel, someone who confides in your family, and your family mostly likes, but never having the pleasure of your company. I almost think this must be a game to you; you know I’ll be here waiting for you, so it is safe to go screw up, and fuck around because “Adam loves me, no matter what,” and “Adam believes in us, and wants us to work,” so while I pine away, hoping that you’ll come around, that you’ll see what’s really going on, you go and have your little trysts because the emotional support you’ll be needing is always going to be there…Well, it won’t. I am so convoluted right now, filled with hope, hate, love, spite, anger, frustration, and when it all finally does get worked out, I’ll probably just end up hating you, like all the rest... and for that I’ll be sad.