How it happened for me

Dearest Kenya,

Well, here I sit again, I still think of you, I still wonder what to do. I keep finding myself thinking of things that I wanted to do with you, all the plans that I thought we could enjoy together. I guess that's really part of the problem though, me thinking of things I want to do, thinking of them with you. Rather I should be thinking of the things you want to do...but what are those things? I get stuck thinking they are the same as mine, but I do know that isn't true, I mean, we just aren't the same person. I think we are close and we both would enjoy the things I suggest, but I know I need to be more receptive to your ideas. It never was as if I didn't want to do them, we just got caught in that cycle of that tit for tat crap; so here is how I think it started:

We both were in school, being very dedicated(which is good), the times that we got free were rare and typically didn't coincide(unfortunate), so I think here we both started to hurt a bit, but we knew we couldn't blame the other, so we just kept it to ourselves(probably wrong), then this just kept building up(bad). And I knew you had been spending time with Robert, time that I was envious of, that I wanted to share with you. But, I believed he was a good influence on you, he's smart, played chess, liked Nietzsche, and an academic; all these things in themselves meaningless, but to some degree good, and you loved getting to talk to him, you were so impressed by him... Yes, I was jealous of the relationship you had with him, just because I kept wishing we could spend that time together. So I was jealous and I was hurt. Then I felt like I tried to get time with you to do things, but there was always something; work, you had plans, etc. etc. I know I didn't try hard enough, but I also felt like you were needing space, I was convinced that with your sister at the house with the kids that we both needed time away, we just ended up not spending it together. Part of me thought this was ok, I mean, we used to always go off and do our own things then come back and be so focused on each other. But also part of me was hurting, we weren't coming back to each other and when we did there was something else...just a distance really(bad), but it was there. And we never really talked(really bad), so the distance grew and we both hurt(I think). And yes I did try to do something, not enough, but I was afraid to be to needy of you, so I would go to Sharis as often as I could, even sat in the smoking sections, just in case you and Sarah were to come by; I would get to see you, it would be a happy accident. But, as you know, we never ran into each other, and I just sat there, studying(not all bad), but at the same time I was disappointed I didn't see you, the sadness grew.... And I started not wanting to do things with you, and also not being able to try to find you. I have to admit I wasn't worried about my birthday, I knew you were in school, and I just don't care about my birthday the way you do... But I really just believed you needed the time to study, you always said you hated that geology class, “Rocks suck,” so I just thought you needed your time with that. Then times that you asked me to do things with you I resisted. I took that summer class and psyched myself out that it would be way harder and I made the mistake of taking a class I wasn't interested in, so I was trying for it but wasn't caring(bad of me). During that I kept going to Sharis, reading and studying, still hoping to bump into you, but never did... And so I finally got the chance to see John B, I thought you might really enjoy that, I believe you really enjoy going out to shows with me, and I knew it would be fun, just cause I was determined to have fun, with you. And I really thought we did, although I didn't like all my dinner and we had a little trouble at the restaurant, I really had a good time with you and thought the whole experience was good, it was just nice, although a bit of a whirlwind(bad because we needed to spend more time together). And I don't feel like I shut you out at the dinner, trying to explain my point, I just wanted to give myself time to really think it through, that thought; Thats a problem for me you see, I think a thought sometimes, think “hey, Kenya would have some good input on this,” but then you try to get really at what I'm thinking and I feel dumb cause that is all I'm thinking, I jump into the thought so we can work it out, but it gets all turned around and I don't feel like you like me for having an idea I can't completely vocalize. And at this time you had been spending time with Jared and Sarah, but I thought it was ok, just another guy who you would see through, find fault in, see how he didn't measure up or how he was just like all the rest of the people. I even thought it was less than that, like he was just a friend of Sarah's....The only time I really thought it was a problem was when you came home reeking of garlic, not that it was bad, but I was missing you and it irritated me that you came home so late, reeking and I couldn't get close to you...so I hurt again(more bad). And I still couldn't get close to you, you still were staying out late, staying away from me so I thought I could get your attention by sleeping on the floor, away from you, I thought, “if she doesn't want to be with me, then that's what she gets,” but thats not what I wanted for us, I just wanted us to spend time, together. But I still was trying to stay out late, I didn't know where you'd be, but I stayed in town, went to Sharis, tried to stay available, and still we never bumped into each other....and eventually you said you were going on to California, and I thought this would be good for you, that you'd come back and be ready to spend time with us. But then your sister said what she said, I started thinking about how you reacted to my joke...then I called to find out when you were coming back and hoping you'd have free time when you got back that we could do a little something, I asked to go to Sage. And you never called back, and the day got so late and I called to find out your plans, and when you said you were staying at your moms I felt like you were doing it to hurt me, it did, and you seemed short with me, so I asked, it seemed obvious, and I made the mistake of pushing you, making you answer instead of talking to me about it all, and now you won't/can't/don't, it's all gone... I wish we had another chance.

So that's it in a nutshell for me, not much else to report, I try to find out from anyone what's going on, what could have precipitate this, and all I find is the crap that everyone is supposed to tell you, “there's better people for you,” “she's not worth it,” “she'll come back,” “you're a great guy,” “it's her loss,” and all that sort of thing, but I still love you and none of this changes that or the promises I made to us...

I even went so far as to talk to Robert, trying to see if he knew anything, if you'd indicated anything and still all I find are more questions, more ambiguity... I still have hope, for some reason, but it's hard many times, I keep hearing all the love in songs and how it makes me feel about you and I search high and lo for pictures or some moments of our love. I really hope you can see your way back to us, I really believe that we are it, you are my end, but not a tragedy.