Snowboard ish.

(portions of this post are copied from emails, if you were the recipient of one of those emails, I hope it doesn't bore you.)

Wednesday I went skiing with my sister and some of her friends. It was a bit nervous working to actually getting to go skiing. First I think everyone was late. Next my sister got a flat in the parking lot of a grocery store, then as we were leaving, we drove across an overpass and we could see the interstate was backed up for a couple miles. Wisely, we chose to drive through town a bit to the next freeway on ramp and had no problems from there. The weather wasn't exactly looking good though. It had been really warm the day before and we were expecting the snow to be really icy as it had thawed and refrozen. So, on the way up to the mountain we actually broke through and got above the clouds and fog, so it was actually sunny on the mountain, and the snow was pretty soft. It was almost like spring skiing. The day went pretty well, and overall was very good. everyone was pretty good skiers so we went on a lot of technical stuff and trees, so it was a bit more work for me on a board, but still good. We ended the day with a hike up to a peak without a chairlift up it and had a nice ride down some fairly untracked snow. It was nice.

On the drive back it was VERY foggy and we pretty much had to drive by the paint on the road. It wasn't to bad, but there were a few spots that the fog was so thick I don't even think we had 10 ft of visibility. My sister and I got to talking, during the drive, about a ski trip she is doing in March that is back country. It turns out one of the group has dropped out, so there is a spot for me!!! I'm stoked, but It's troublsome cause its a backcountry experience which is really rare and a great opportunity, but in this case it's a tellemarking trip. Me being a boarder just means I need to firgure out a way I can telli through the backcountry and then board down this gorgeous untouched snow. There are options to just telli and haul my board, but then I'd constanly have a huge mast on my back; I could snow-shoe(I'm leaning toward this) but I'm concerned about how well I could keep up with the group which will be on telli; there are split snowboards that split to skis for telli then you have to put it back together for boarding, but then again I'm worried about the time it takes to put together and take it apart, also this is an expensive option, but maybe I could rent; finally is a collapsable ski but that is super rare, expensive, but then agian is possibly rentable, but first looks are bleak. Hopefully I can work something out on this, soon.

As you may or may not be aware I've been picking up a lot of nice newish snowboard crap off ebay. So first thing I ordered was new (DUB)boots . I got them, they are super nice, but don't fit my old bindings (I wanted new ones anyway, right!?!?). Then I started looking on the eBay for bindings and came across some ridiculously cheap, but very nice (SP)bindings. I won them and then I started to get nervous about the boot to binding fit aspect. The new boots I had gotten are quite a bit different from my older boots, much more bulky mostly; so I was thinking "crap if these boots don't fit the new bindings, I got a super deal on something I'm not going to be able to use." So the box arrived today and I anxiously unwrapped the bindings and although a little tight the new boots fit! That was a relief. Then, as I investigated the little puppies I noticed, pretty obvious actually, how much more advanced they are than my old bindings. I'm thoroughly impressed with the amount of different adjustments I'm able to make on the new bindings, especially when compared with the limited amount of adjustments that the old bindings accommodated. This is really great since I've been playing with my stance a bit, tweaking it to get a good control and well balanced trick stance. Hopefully I can get something dialed in nicely. Especially since I've basically never adjusted the bindings on my board since day one.

My digital strife...ahem, I mean life

It's been a goal of mine for the past year or so to integrate as much of my lifestyle/possessions into digital format and storage. A person needs to understand that I am a bit of a collector, I come by it honestly, and so I've got a few rather large collections. But really what I want to do is get as much of my stuff, that can be digitized(which I think is most), into a digital format and stored in a portable device(read: computer). My collections include my music(probably the largest collection), my photos(probably the most important/tedious to me), and then a variety of art and paperwork that I value or just don't want to keep the paper floating about.

I've been pretty diligent about keeping up with the whole paper thing, I mean, that is kind of a no-brainer; just saving everything I type(those that are important to me) and things like school papers(now old), and things like receipts and statements. Most of the Statement stuff is easy as I don't think there is a company now which doesn't offer the option to do everything online, which necessitates digital information rather than paper. The receipts have been a bit of a pain tho, it's amazing how much paper people use, and there is no standardization in the world of receipts. It's been super helpful to have all the receipts digital in one place, bookkeeping has benefited.

I've really hit a milestone with the music portion of this whole project; I recently got every last one of my CD's into iTunes at 320kbps, 48Hz. All nicely organized, with covers(whether automatic or made) with as much meta information as possible. This has necessitated the purchase of a 300GB hard-drive, dedicated to music. Thankfully that isn't full, but then again, that isn't all my music. I've got a few tapes that I do want ripped, and a few I've already done, so that is a bit of a time consuming process, and of course my huge record collection is a bear in itself. I've hoped to cut that portion down now that I can accurately cross reference my collection with my iTunes so that should prevent me from having go through the process of getting each record on iTunes. Still, that is going to be a long project, which I work on off and on. Thank you to all the record labels that have gone to iTunes or one of the other digital download sites; Red Light, Moving Shadow, Renegade Hardware, Cause 4 Concern, A Touch Of Class, Breastfed, etc etc.

Now I'm moving onto the photo portion of the project, which I've offered to incorporate with some of my families photos in exchange for some of the hardware. My father has offered to finance a nice flatbed scanner to do the project with, and I'm searching for a Minolta Dimage Scan II Elite 5400 film scanner so I can scan directly from the tons of negative I have. This I know is going to take a lot of time, but I really feel it's important to me to do all this so I don't have so many things, that are difficult to move, to move. Anyhow, the tedium continues, now how can I make it fun, as if.

1st day of Snowboarding

Yesterday I went for a little ski trip up to Mission Ridge. I had gotten my buddy Mark, from work, and my sister to go and we had a nice little trip. We started the day at around 5:30 just leaving to drive the somewhat long way up to Mission Ridge. It was chosen mostly because I hadn't been there before and it is one of Mark's favourite mountains to ski. So, making the long drive up there we ran into a bit of rain mostly, but overall it was a decent drive. The roads were all pretty good and traffic was light. I'll give myself an 'attaboy' there for wanting to leave super early.

We got to the mountain a bit before the chairs actually started running, so basically right on time. Got a nice, close, parking space and began to suit up. This was the first season that I actually have really good snow gear, so I knew I was going to be warm. I had just recently finished purchasing DUB Weathergear outfits, so not only was it new, high quality gear, but it was DUB, which, back when they were still in business, was a company I didn't find disagreeable.

All geared up, we went and grabbed out lift tickets, got bathroom breaks, and got on the chair up the mountain. The first chair was for the lower part of the mountain, a slow two man chair, which is for the green(beginner) runs. Off that chair is just a little ride down to the recently(last year) installed high speed quad, and from there is a quick zip up to the mountain top. Mark indicated this was a vast improvement to the mountain; this was another motivating factor for choosing to ski there as Mark hadn't been to it since the addition of the quad.

The day turned out really we, I got a lot of runs in and thankfully I didn't feel a bit cold or get wet at all. The only time I felt cold was when we started packing things up and I took off my gloves. So it was a nice day on the mountain, with some friends/family and I hope to do it again. Thanks go out to my sister for her enthusiasm(such a ski bum) and Mark for driving! Cheers guys, hope to do it again soon!!!!

An open letter to another failed lover (not pity)

I know I've hurt you. I know you find it hard to believe, but I do care. I know that no amount of explanation from me will be enough, but I did try to make it clear to you. I don't quite understand it in myself, but I just don't seem to be able to admit the degree of intimacy that I do feel until long after it's too late. It's hard to miss how angry you are with me, but you've got to understand that I couldn't resolve my issues and I felt terrible to constantly be holding myself back from you because I didn't want to get hurt. I didn't think it would become the problem it did when I first entered into it with you. I didn't consider our previous experience to be very tangible, as back then I was in such a different state. I honestly believed I was at a point that I could accept and deal with everything in ways that would be good for us. And, we know I 'm no angel and a social retard, but I am still capable of caring and woman, believe me, I do. And no, I didn't plan it and certainly don't have any other agenda. I have been honest with you, just, I suppose, not about my feelings (No, that doesn't do me a lot of good).

Busy, Not Lazy

Also known as "Making an apartment a home."

I officially moved into my own place Friday Dec 1. Thank goodness!!!! I've really been pleased to be out of the roommate situation and I like my new place. I'm in a nice complex, with nice facilities, I got new carpet, and it is still close to work. It seems to be very quiet and kind of conservative, I guess is the best description, and I think I have some good neighbors. I'm not the most social person so haven't gone about introducing myself, but the ones I've come across gong to and fro have all been nice enough to respond when I say "HI." The move itself went pretty smoothly, even though I'm not a very organized packer or anything, I didn't have a ton of things, and it only took probably a total of 6 hours loading, moving, and unloading; And, I was able to do it and still go to work(yay, not so much). This does not include the packing and unpacking, which 1 I'm not so good at, and the second I'm still not finished unpacking.

I don't have a ton of things, but as I've moved into my new place I've realized how little I really did have. I knew I'd have to buy some things for the kitchen, but I never really realized just how much. I only just ordered a toaster, bought a microwave the other day, got a nice dish set for a steal(which, even thought it got a crummy rating online, I figured it'd probably get broken someday eventually anyhow so 'FAK it'....), a nice flatware set, a tiny coffee table, and a few of the other things I'll need in the kitchen. I've still got a ton of things to get, and plenty of unpacking to do, but I'm getting there, and I'm kind of trying to buy things now as I need them (yes, pots and pans will be coming up) but for now I can at least bake a potato, pop microwave popcorn, and make TV dinners!!!! (sad, funny, and true...but I don't have a TV, don't really want one except for Nip/Tuck)

The apartment itself is pretty nice. I purposefully waited for them to have one with new carpet in it so I could take that. Now I have new carpet also!!! And take off your shoes please. The only draw back there is a bit of the new carpet smell, but that's a small price to pay.

The rest of my days have been pretty busy. Juggling work, the move, unpacking(yes still), running around buying all the crap I don't have, but think I need, settling in, oh, and carting my old man around after he just had cataract surgery. not so much a problem there, but the surgery is kind of a real quick little procedure and he lives way out of the way so... it just not a totally productive time for me. its pretty cool for him though. He had some bad, according to him, vision before, and now, mostly done with the surgery he's got 20/35 in one of his eyes, and still not done healing. the other eye was only just cut up, so tomorrow results will be available on that one, but if its anything like the last one it should be good, pretty amazing actually. I've known my old man to wear glasses all his life, and technically 20/35 doesn't require corrective lenses, so that is kind of a radical change; more for him than me, but still incredible.

I also went to the dentist recently. That was ok, considering I haven't been to the dentist in AGES. The last time was just to have tooth pulled, not even a cleaning, so really I haven't had anything done to my teeth in a very long time (bad Adam) and I came out pretty good. It was a new doctor to me, coming at the recommendation of a friend of mine, so I guess we have something else in common now!?!?!

OK, so I still need furniture for the apartment, and though I have champagne tastes, I need to save CA$H, and I don't expect to really keep much of it for the long run, so I'm planning to build much of it. I've been drawing some little plans of things and I should be able to make a few nice things for a decent price, I just need to find the time.

I'll just wrap this up with a little gripe; it's kind of the same problem I had at the last apartment and it's partly to do with my schedule, but FFS why can I not get a decent parking space close to my apartment. I mean in the case of the new place, why the heck do they assign parking permits if they just let people park willy nilly and leave cars parked in the same place for days....and days. I know I haven't been there very long, but is it to much to ask for a parking space in the same vicinity as my apartment. Currently I have to park all the way in the front of the office and walk the "block" or so to my apartment, but this is only because I work nights, if I got off work at a decent hour, I'd have a chance of getting a good spot, but then I'd lose it because I'm hardly home anyhow... I just think they should go ahead and assign parking spaces for each permit. In my previous residence you weren't allowed to leave cars sitting for a long time, and each person was only allowed to park one car nearest their apartment. That seemed a lot more fair to me; having to compete with everyone for a spot rather then people coming home at lunch and parking their dead car as close to their apartment as possible. Well, I do need the walking...

Well, Mr Lazy Pants.

Well now here I am, finally. I know you are all dying to know what I've been up to, so I'll try to be as detailed as possible, but it might have to start backwards.

Today I had an interview for a different contract, same company. I think it went pretty well and I even got a few "good answer"'s from the interviewers. Other than that I was dressed well, wore my newish FCUK suit, that I haven't gotten to wear anywhere until today. I know all the interviewers to some degree and really had a generally nice conversation. I'm glad for the interview, feel good about it, but really don't know if I might actually get it. I'm not betting on it, but am optimistic. Funny thing, I was asked, "what would your manager say about you and your work?" Not missing a beat and disregarding tact altogether I replied, "He doesn't have a clue." I didn't mean any disrespect to my manager, but I honestly have only seen him during scheduling difficulties and the occasional hallway greeting, so yes, it's true, he only knows that I do a timecard and work here...that isn't much.

I gave notice to my roommate that I'm moving out the first week of December. Thank goodness, I swear people stifle me in a general sort of way, but then again, I let'em right? N E Ways, I'm moving to a nice little one bedroom, in a nice area, near some friends and still in the same town. No more pets, no more roommate, no more roommates boyfriend, no more roommates boyfriends kid..... whew!!!

Today, technically Saturday, I picked up a package and got(the technically part) a new blazer/sport jacket/whatever-you-call-it. It's a nice black/navy with brown pinstripes, 100% wool! I guess the whole blazer thing is a bit last year/fall, but I am really taking to it and I think I look pretty good in them and I enjoy the compliments I've been getting, so...thats enough really, but also theres that I feel like it is just "me," as it were. No matter, I've bought several recently and like em a lot.

Sunday I just worked, all day, had to work 12 in order to get my vacation time this holiday, so it's worth it, but what a waste of a decent day. After that I went to see my girlfriend who I hadn't seen all weekend. I was able to talk to her about some stuff and though she didn't really have much to say, it was good for me and I think we made some kind of progress. For what it's worth; it seemed to me that she admitted she's as conflicted as I am... awesome! ha ha. I honestly think that no matter what, if people communicate about things it all comes out better, even if it doesn't go perfectly.

Saturday, I finished "rules of attraction," which is actually one of my favourite movies; NO, not for the baseness of it, but for the critique of the decline of romance. So the book was good, I dont' know if better than the movie, but had a lot more detail and completeness. It's the second book by the author I've read thus far, I intend on reading more of his stuff. Only a few days earlier I ripped through "less than zero," by the same author. I don't recall which book is next, but when I get it I'm sure I'll post about it. I picked up those two books when I went on Wednesday to pick up some pants I had altered, by my favourite tailor (Sook) and little did I know right across the street from her shop was the "Bent Page" bookstore. It's nice that the two are close by, but now I just need them in my neighborhood. Anyhow, I traded some other books I'd read; Gone with the Wind, Rastafari, and Naked Lunch.

Oh, that reminds me, I also finished a strange little book, strange that it was sent to me for some unknown reason, called Pro-Evo. It was interesting, expressed a few of my own beliefs, but not completely agreeable to me. I was more intrigued by the fact I actually got it(I think last month sometime) so I went ahead and googled it, kind of looking for people who got it or the origins of the thing. I was relieved I didn't find any weird cult or anything attached to it, but was surprised I didn't find more people talking about receiving it...

well, I'm gonna wrap this up for now. There's some other crap I've got to tell you, but I'm tiered of typing so ttfn.

The curse of sentimentality.

Today was the usual, I got up, got showered, went to work, met for coffee with my girlfriend, bought a yoga mat, went to the tailor, then went for lunch, which brings me to the sentimentality.

background: I grew up in a small town not far from here(Sad I know, but that's another conversation) This town and the neighboring towns are all kind of small and were even smaller at the time, so small that fast food restaurants were rare, still isn't one in my home town. I remember times as a kid when the family would go on road trips one of my favourite places to eat was A&W restaurants. I don't recall if there was one in the bigger towns near by, but I know when I got to go to one it was typically a long drive. My favourite one, I believe, was at Goldendale and we would stop there on the way to Portland. This one was the best because it was the type that had car service and door trays for your food. All awesome memories for me. So I always remember it being kind of a big deal to get to, and rare also.

Well, I don't know what happened over time, but A&W gradually went away and my favourite one I think is a McDonalds now? And, I don't remember the last time as a kid that I went to one, but I believe it was 2/3 years ago now that I went to the east coast to help a friend move back west(another, story there) and on the looooooooooooong drive back we stopped at one in Arkansas, on the I-40 I believe. That time was a bit not so good simply because the trip was a cannonball run back west here, but I got to go to one again. I'm not sure the marketing behind the whole A&W resurgence, but now we have one in my area which I can go to and have that whole sentimental reminder. Anyhow, all day I was cursed with the sentimental inclination that I needed to go. I did and it was good, not how I was growing up good, but still good. That reminds me of something I heard recently about eating and sex being the most pleasure producing acts a person can engage in, so, am I just subconsciously satisfying two pleasures? My sentimentality and enjoyment of the food? I don't really know about that, but I'm troubled because I want to create new, better memories, and I stress NEW.

I guess, really, those things we remember are the most important or significant, maybe, to us as individuals, right? Good or bad I suppose are just what we take from those memories. Still, I would enjoy creating new better, more significant memories, or better yet, ways for me to never be forgotten. Narcissist much? Everyday!

So much for diligence....(Sorry Jodi)

Ah, yes, well, I guess 3 whole days in a row is the best I can do...hmmmmmm. I think it is just that the things in my life aren't really any of your business, eh? ha ha, j/k. you know I love having you peruse my little blog, heh.

Ok, so then, I'm keeping busy, yay. The weekend was pretty much work, which isn't really work at all. I had a nice lunch Saturday with Jodi(thank you), and although late, it was still relaxing, and I remained dry, ;)
Funny thing, going back to a conversation I had at lunch, my Dad called me the next day to come help him with his computer. This isn't really a problem, kind of like to do it, but after a conversation with my sister tonight I'm starting to wonder about his mental health. Yeah, he's old and still pretty sharp, but helping him with computers; you have to understand, he made his living working on computers, and now he's asking me for help on some rather mundane things aswell. maybe he's being lazy, but sheesh, if 40 years of your life was spent doing a thing, wouldn't you remember it. Oh, you know, it just occurred to me that maybe its just patience. I know for myself sometime I just don't want to spend the time doing something so will abandon it for a while, so maybe that is kind of my dads philosophy combined with the fact that he knows me one of the family will help, and some of us feel more obligated than others(guilty).

What else exciting? I've started looking for a new roommate again... I don't need to move, but kind of would like to, and I could use the change. So, anyone living in the 99352 zip....

I mentioned I've been keeping myself busy, and I have. Work isn't really work, as I said, so I've been doing a lot of 'me' things while at work, particularly working out. Nothing too serious, just some aerobic exercise, weights, and I guess it would be labeled body building work. I've actually resolved to go ahead and bring in a yoga mat and do a few poses...that should keep me limber, eh? Also the big project I've been taking care of at work is my tape conversion project. This is time consuming and I'm particular about the whole process, and work gives me the time to do that, with little interruption and it doesn't get in the way of work. So, getting that mountainous project slowly but surely but faster than when I was doing it at my apartment. I've also been doing a second job for a friend of mines shop, got paid today, so thats extra cash!!!!(Always good) and I kind of like the work, also good but I don't want to do it the rest of my life.

I got a lot of things in this weekend, so that was nice, but I really need to stop ordering so much stuff: I ordered a blazer on Ebay, was relieved and impressed with how well it actually fits and looks, just need to have the sleeves let out a bit which I meant to do today, but the tailor was out... got a new battery for my phone cause the old one was acting silly and not holding a charge well, also the new battery has a larger charge, so should last even longer, how sweet is that!?!?!?! ha ha, how banal really. Also got a carbon fibre brush for my records, yep, nice and clean. Lastly, got a bunch of music in. to many to mention, but I will mention Ed Rush & Optical's latest release, a sort of live Drum & Bass project that I haven't listened all the way through, but sounds decent; also wanna mention the fabulous Logistics album 'Now more than ever' which is also Drum & Bass, for those of you who don't know, and it is very, very good.

now, aren't you happy I waited till now to vomit all this out on the screen, ha ha

Best to ya

3rd

Well now, this marks day three, consecutively, of myself writing about myself....How narcissistic eh? The day itself was decent, for a work day.... I worked at my buddies shop in the morning which was really boring, but better than a sharp stick in the eye. After that I went to the sporting goods store to get an 'ab wheel' cause I've got some free time at my regular job, so I've taken to working out there. I like that I am able to find some time to work out and get something more than just sitting there at my job, but really I'd prefer to actually learn something and make more progress professionally. Though, I do get some of my little organizational projects done while I'm there; plenty of time to study and the latest project has been converting my tapes(yes, tapes) to digital. This is a really time consuming little process, so with all the dead time at work...Well, lets just say another month of this and I should be tape free!!!! yay, something off my check-list. But it doesn't really make room for the 6 million other things I've added to the list, you know what I mean?

Ha, and I thought when I got done with college I'd have all this free time to devote to whatever I liked.... WRONG, it's still a huge juggling act to fit what I need to do and what I want to need to do all in. I've come to accept that there will never be enough time, but it sure is aggravating and it seems like all the things I want to need to do are getting eclipsed by all the 'need to do' things...

Sorry, it's gotten kind of late and I'm not thinking as clearly as I'd like for this so I'll leave it at this: I've been a bit concerned about a friend of mine who messaged me for coffee a few days back and so I called her and got voice mail. I said I would like to go said when a good time was and where, kind of left as a possibility... Well I never did here from her and didn't go, so I'm concerned that maybe she just thought I was going and she went but I wasn't there so now she's thinking I stiffed her.... I know, such a girl of me right? I'll just call her and set that all straight, duh?

2.

Welcome to # 2. This would be my second post...and in a consecutive fashion, oh my.

Yesterday was lax. The primary event of the day was studying and finishing the test for an exam I had yesterday. That was cake. I took the time to also make some new ringtones for my phone. I'm not a huge fan of Lil' Jon or anything, can't even say I'm remotely interested in his music, but the fact remains that when he screams "what," "Yeah," or "OK," it's pretty funny so I thought those would make hilarious ring tones. Took a while to find some good(ie ones without music, that are of high quality) audio clips of him. I found a bunch of the skits dave chapelle did, also funny, and finally found a few of strictly his voice.

Nothing else very productive.

I've been racking my brain about the whole marriage question...probably need to talk to other people more aobut it. But it seems like a lot of people around me are getting married and I'm starting to think critically about what the point of a relationship(as in dating) is and why people engage in them? It seems to me that the reason people get into relationships is to ultimately marry, and if that's the point... why do I even bother? I know I'm oversimplifying here, but if I'm not dating with a marriage goal, why am I dating? NE ways....

Watched Nip/Tuck last night...it was pretty good, but I felt it 'jumped the shark' a bit with the nanny/mother dynamic...I was disturbed.

Best,
X

This is the beginning

Ah, so I've gone back and forth with myself on this and I just can't decide if I've got anything really interesting enough to talk about on here. I'm really just planning on writing my thoughts and things and trying to keep it more as a journal and that sort of thing. Honestly though, I'm not normally very talkative with these sorts of things, but who knows. Maybe I'll open up...

The past couple of days memories of last summer have really been plaguing me. I'm not sure why really, I know it's impossible to forget, as much as I would like to. But also it just isn't productive, I'm not coming to any new revelations and I don't believe there are any to be found. It's just agrivating to keep having these memories that really are pointless to me.

Well, I guess this is a start, but I probably won't end up doing much with this, so don't hold your breath.

The picture you see here is by a recent favourite designer, Vault 49. Check it!

Best to ya,
X

good night bad times.

It’s been a while, since July-ish, and I still can’t stop thinking of that woman, I try to scream her out of my head but it doesn’t help. I keep thinking of how things were going, how I thought we were making progress, but when I look back at it all I see that I might have been making progress, but she and I weren’t together on it.

I feel like she robbed me of my happiness, she shattered my dream for us, but I guess that was it, just my dream for us, not our dream. But she didn’t let me in to talk to her, she was too busy with her friends, forgetting me in the process.

I feel like everything I own is a liability to me, preventing me from progressing to the point that I want to be at. I see all my possessions holding me back, holding me to this place, holding me back from advancing in life. I just need to cut everything loose, leave it all behind, completely, and get back to myself. I need to take the time to figure out what that is, who I am now, what I’ve become. I think to myself that I know what that is, but I’m not even certain if I’m not just lying to myself, fooling myself, wishful thinking, or if maybe it is the truth of who I am now. I know I just want out of this place, I want to see the world, I want to wander the world and find my place, find the place that feels right, that I can relax, that I can trust, that has opportunity for me. I just need to be alone for a long, long time.

I do wish, I wish that she and I could work out, that she could see her way back to us, but I don’t believe that will happen, so I’m trying to let go, but I just can’t get her out of my head and I am so sick of thinking about her, I just wish I could take a bullet to the head and clear her from my mind, every speck and memory. I wish eternal sunshine of the spotless mind were real and I could erase a selection of memories, but I would make sure we never meet again.

Down... down....down.

I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to do… I’m so sad, so mad, I feel so lost without your love. I want so bad to love someone like I loved you but I know I can’t do that right now, I don’t even feel like I can love again. I look at all the things around me that I’ve valued so long and now they just don’t matter, I know they have value in some way, but I don’t see it anymore; everything is just a burden on me now, things I have to take care of but I don’t care to, things that hold me to where I am and I don’t want to be here anymore. I try to make progress, make strides to get in a position to get away, but it just seems like I keep getting further and further behind. All I can figure is that I want to be good, I’ve can’t see my ambitions anymore, I don’t know what I’m trying for anymore, or why. I’m so piteous, such a fool I should have seen your deceit, hope I never see it again.

How it happened for me

Dearest Kenya,

Well, here I sit again, I still think of you, I still wonder what to do. I keep finding myself thinking of things that I wanted to do with you, all the plans that I thought we could enjoy together. I guess that's really part of the problem though, me thinking of things I want to do, thinking of them with you. Rather I should be thinking of the things you want to do...but what are those things? I get stuck thinking they are the same as mine, but I do know that isn't true, I mean, we just aren't the same person. I think we are close and we both would enjoy the things I suggest, but I know I need to be more receptive to your ideas. It never was as if I didn't want to do them, we just got caught in that cycle of that tit for tat crap; so here is how I think it started:

We both were in school, being very dedicated(which is good), the times that we got free were rare and typically didn't coincide(unfortunate), so I think here we both started to hurt a bit, but we knew we couldn't blame the other, so we just kept it to ourselves(probably wrong), then this just kept building up(bad). And I knew you had been spending time with Robert, time that I was envious of, that I wanted to share with you. But, I believed he was a good influence on you, he's smart, played chess, liked Nietzsche, and an academic; all these things in themselves meaningless, but to some degree good, and you loved getting to talk to him, you were so impressed by him... Yes, I was jealous of the relationship you had with him, just because I kept wishing we could spend that time together. So I was jealous and I was hurt. Then I felt like I tried to get time with you to do things, but there was always something; work, you had plans, etc. etc. I know I didn't try hard enough, but I also felt like you were needing space, I was convinced that with your sister at the house with the kids that we both needed time away, we just ended up not spending it together. Part of me thought this was ok, I mean, we used to always go off and do our own things then come back and be so focused on each other. But also part of me was hurting, we weren't coming back to each other and when we did there was something else...just a distance really(bad), but it was there. And we never really talked(really bad), so the distance grew and we both hurt(I think). And yes I did try to do something, not enough, but I was afraid to be to needy of you, so I would go to Sharis as often as I could, even sat in the smoking sections, just in case you and Sarah were to come by; I would get to see you, it would be a happy accident. But, as you know, we never ran into each other, and I just sat there, studying(not all bad), but at the same time I was disappointed I didn't see you, the sadness grew.... And I started not wanting to do things with you, and also not being able to try to find you. I have to admit I wasn't worried about my birthday, I knew you were in school, and I just don't care about my birthday the way you do... But I really just believed you needed the time to study, you always said you hated that geology class, “Rocks suck,” so I just thought you needed your time with that. Then times that you asked me to do things with you I resisted. I took that summer class and psyched myself out that it would be way harder and I made the mistake of taking a class I wasn't interested in, so I was trying for it but wasn't caring(bad of me). During that I kept going to Sharis, reading and studying, still hoping to bump into you, but never did... And so I finally got the chance to see John B, I thought you might really enjoy that, I believe you really enjoy going out to shows with me, and I knew it would be fun, just cause I was determined to have fun, with you. And I really thought we did, although I didn't like all my dinner and we had a little trouble at the restaurant, I really had a good time with you and thought the whole experience was good, it was just nice, although a bit of a whirlwind(bad because we needed to spend more time together). And I don't feel like I shut you out at the dinner, trying to explain my point, I just wanted to give myself time to really think it through, that thought; Thats a problem for me you see, I think a thought sometimes, think “hey, Kenya would have some good input on this,” but then you try to get really at what I'm thinking and I feel dumb cause that is all I'm thinking, I jump into the thought so we can work it out, but it gets all turned around and I don't feel like you like me for having an idea I can't completely vocalize. And at this time you had been spending time with Jared and Sarah, but I thought it was ok, just another guy who you would see through, find fault in, see how he didn't measure up or how he was just like all the rest of the people. I even thought it was less than that, like he was just a friend of Sarah's....The only time I really thought it was a problem was when you came home reeking of garlic, not that it was bad, but I was missing you and it irritated me that you came home so late, reeking and I couldn't get close to you...so I hurt again(more bad). And I still couldn't get close to you, you still were staying out late, staying away from me so I thought I could get your attention by sleeping on the floor, away from you, I thought, “if she doesn't want to be with me, then that's what she gets,” but thats not what I wanted for us, I just wanted us to spend time, together. But I still was trying to stay out late, I didn't know where you'd be, but I stayed in town, went to Sharis, tried to stay available, and still we never bumped into each other....and eventually you said you were going on to California, and I thought this would be good for you, that you'd come back and be ready to spend time with us. But then your sister said what she said, I started thinking about how you reacted to my joke...then I called to find out when you were coming back and hoping you'd have free time when you got back that we could do a little something, I asked to go to Sage. And you never called back, and the day got so late and I called to find out your plans, and when you said you were staying at your moms I felt like you were doing it to hurt me, it did, and you seemed short with me, so I asked, it seemed obvious, and I made the mistake of pushing you, making you answer instead of talking to me about it all, and now you won't/can't/don't, it's all gone... I wish we had another chance.

So that's it in a nutshell for me, not much else to report, I try to find out from anyone what's going on, what could have precipitate this, and all I find is the crap that everyone is supposed to tell you, “there's better people for you,” “she's not worth it,” “she'll come back,” “you're a great guy,” “it's her loss,” and all that sort of thing, but I still love you and none of this changes that or the promises I made to us...

I even went so far as to talk to Robert, trying to see if he knew anything, if you'd indicated anything and still all I find are more questions, more ambiguity... I still have hope, for some reason, but it's hard many times, I keep hearing all the love in songs and how it makes me feel about you and I search high and lo for pictures or some moments of our love. I really hope you can see your way back to us, I really believe that we are it, you are my end, but not a tragedy.

Losing Faith....

This letter was written a couple weeks after our break-up. I was all messed up, but here it is.

Dear Kenya,

Well, I’ve written quite a few letters so far and only mailed or got a few off to you…Why is that? Well, I just don’t want to be rash. You are very special to me, and I never wanted to lose you, it kills me that we are in this position. I am even more devastated by your ability to easily begin a new relationship with someone else. I wish I could ask you to just stop, to take some time and really consider everything that’s going on. I want you to know I really wanted to spend time with you every night, I really did stay out as late as I could, hoping you would get in touch with me so we could talk or do anything. And I really did trust that you were with Sarah.

I know I’ve done my own “infidelity,” for lack of a better term, but what you have done now is so much more. In the past I have been careless with my “love” and it feels to me like that is what you are doing now. My carelessness really was rare though, I have nearly always made love because I was in it. And, my infidelity while we were together, it is so different to me, I mean, oral sex lacks intimacy to me, has less meaning when a woman performs it on a man. I guess ultimately I feel it’s demeaning. So, when I did what I did with that girl, it had no value to me, I only received a physical pleasure from it along with a devastating blow to my conscience. But what you are doing now, I mean, that’s a part of love, a part of a relationship that you want to keep. And that really hurts, I don’t know how you can just go from a 6 year relationship to someone else and start it all over again with such seriousness. It leaves me cold and sick just thinking about it. I mean, what are you thinking??? Emotionally you aren’t even normal yet, are you? I can’t image trying to start a meaningful relationship with someone after leaving such a serious relationship…I guess it just comes down to what your goal is; to leave me. I suppose you believe we would try to work it all out and we might even, so you believe if you started something else, if you went far enough there would be no coming back… I hope this isn’t really how you feel, but it is my observation and it seems accurate, from here.

I really am confused Kenya, it hurts to think these things, to believe them and to see what you are doing. I’m so afraid that even if we got together again, how would we get past all this, would you ever say I’m the one again? If you did would I believe you? Would you even be happy?

The thing about that article is, I wish we could be doing those things together, trying to work those things out, making our relationship better. I really do believe that love conquers all, it’s crazy I know, but it’s possible, if we just let it. Yes, it makes me terribly nervous, makes me so nervous I would lie and say love doesn’t exist, but I know it, I’ve been living with it for 6 years, and I loved it, I thought we were so good, doing so well, getting what we needed until a time when our time was all ours, and we could be together, enjoying each other like we do. Sometime like now, this summer, with some free time, just being together like we enjoy, doing things we enjoy.

I’m so mad that you could just throw us away for some sweet words from a desperate man, I fucking hate you for this, you are being stupid. What has gotten into you that you can’t see the ways you have been manipulated by these people, was I suppose to marry you, how was I supposed to know when you wouldn’t even talk to me. What happened that I’m not even your best friend, that you couldn’t even tell me your misgivings, your doubts. It’s like you orchestrated this so your mind couldn’t be changed.

And I don’t want to be like Chantelle and Joe, where, when your other relationships don’t work you try with me, but always in the back of your mind planning your next out. And I don’t want to be like Joel, someone who confides in your family, and your family mostly likes, but never having the pleasure of your company. I almost think this must be a game to you; you know I’ll be here waiting for you, so it is safe to go screw up, and fuck around because “Adam loves me, no matter what,” and “Adam believes in us, and wants us to work,” so while I pine away, hoping that you’ll come around, that you’ll see what’s really going on, you go and have your little trysts because the emotional support you’ll be needing is always going to be there…Well, it won’t. I am so convoluted right now, filled with hope, hate, love, spite, anger, frustration, and when it all finally does get worked out, I’ll probably just end up hating you, like all the rest... and for that I’ll be sad.

Troubling post from way back

Still not doing so well at keeping this journal up to date, but what can I do? School is out for the winter break! My car is in the shop, the timing belt broke on it and bent a few of the valves. I’ve been working on it myself, but it’s taken a long time. I took the head off and took it to the Napa machine shop who said they could fix it for 300.00 or so. That is better than the rate I was finding, but I’m skeptical.

Nothing else is going on. I have no money and can’t afford to go anywhere. I only have my dads truck, and don’t want to drive that anywhere. And there really isn’t that much to do anyhow.

Kenya and her sister have moved in, since November 1, and it’s been ok. The boys are a handful and really annoying. They incessantly ask questions or talk with no purpose. They are to clingy and such momma’s boys that I find myself getting pissed just hearing them. I haven’t gotten to hang out with Kenya at all and I don’t miss it. Every time we talk she is a bitch to me and I don’t have the patience to deal with that. I know I haven’t done anything wrong and don’t understand what is going on between her and I but I am about sick of it. If things were different, her sister wasn’t here, …

I feel like she is testing me to see if I’ll break. I won’t. My father has been a dick to me off and on, nothing new there. I feel like he is testing me also. If he weren’t helping me with school I would tell him to fuck off also. I am not going to tell him so much any more. My business is mine.

I feel like the DUI classes have made me weaker also. I just need to keep on keeping on and I’ll be ok.

I seriously feel like the relationship between Kenya and I is in a bad place right now, though. And I never feel like I get to be me, Ever.

September 2004

Ok, so so so, yes it has been forever since I actually sat down and wrote a bit about whats going on in my life, so here we go again. I won’t make any promises to do a large amount of writing or keep at it regularly, but I will try to do it at all. I don’t recall the last time I wrote something, but a lot has happened no matter how long it’s been. I finished my AA back in June. I received honors. Still my GPA was not as high as I would have liked it to be. I continued to take cs109 over the summer and got stuck with an instructor who was absolutely horrible. I’ll never take a class from him again in my life, if I can get away with it. I finished that class the same day I had my last day at the Red Lion. It was a really good day. Only down side was that I was looking forward to the week off between that Friday the 13th and the 23rd when I would have to start class at WSU again. That week was ruined by Thursday the 12th when I was called by LM and offered an internship starting the following Monday. I’ve been really trying to get out in the area, so I jumped at the chance.

So instead of relaxing for a week and getting some house work done I ended up spending about 30 hours training and jumping through all the HR new hire hoops. But it’s worth it. I am now badged, working semi regular hours, paid decent, and learning a bit. I say semi regular hours because I am on the graveyard shift, but it isn’t so bad as I actually get 30 hours and it is totally geared around my class schedule!

Yes class! I am now going to WSU. My father has agreed to help me a lot and I have received a lot of financial aid so I didn’t have to work, but when this opportunity came along I just couldn’t pass it up. My classes are busy, and I actually dropped one, but I think it was the best thing to do at the moment because I was really having to do a lot of writing and I just don’t really want to. In fact I am a bit sick of the major I am in at the moment and will probably be seeking something else as long as I can get it done as soon as this one that I have chosen.

Although I did drop a course at WSU I went ahead and picked up one at CBC for CS 122 which is the second half of the CS109 course. It is all PC hardware and I am hoping it will prepare me for A+ certification, but who knows. Otherwise it is just keeping that side of my career active. I am seeing more and more how much I prefer to work on computers over everything else. It’s a bit early to tell yet how classes are going, I haven’t started the CS course and not to terribly much has happened in the WSU classes, just a paper due every week for one class and lots of reading for the other two. That’s going ok and the writings can be resubmitted until we are satisfied with the grade or I don’t know, he’s sick of seeing it?

In other news apparently Kenyas’ sister has decided she would like to move out to the house with her boys. I think it will be good for the boys, there is a lot they can do and build up their character and just get them out a bit more. I think it will be good for Chanelle, she says she is trying to save money and I’m not charging an arm and a leg, so it shouldn’t be to bad. I get along with Chanelle and Kenya and I are doing pretty good right now, so if we just keep busy things should go nicely. I just have to keep the boys out of my things.

The fact is I need to organize my things. I got things that need to be gotten rid of, things to put in order, and just plain pick up some things and get it in order. There is a lot I could do, but I am still a poor college student and I keep blowing my money on records and computer gadgets, so maybe I could reel that in, but I keep thinking I have, but maybe I haven’t. I’m almost down to just having the debt I owe my father, my car, and financial aid left to pay on, so I am glad about that. It seems like a lot, but considering the rates they charge on credit cards it is good. Shouldn’t be long now. Well this has been a long night so I think I’ll let it go at that, maybe more later, but who knows.

OK, so I finally finished school yesterday. My last final and I think I did well. So now what indeed? I’ve not had very much time to do much of anything other than work and school, so now is going to be a good time for doing that. I’ve made plans to go rafting with my sister on Sunday and I want to do some things around the house in order to just keep things tidy there. I also need to see what I can do about spending less money. Oh oh I can’t forget to really pursue financial aid and the job connection that my brother gave me. I am hopeful for it, but also Kenya's birthday is soon so I hope to do something wonderful for her.

First note on new computer

I JUST GOT THIS NEW DAMN COMPUTER AND IT IS REALLY NICE BUT IT HAS ONE PROBLEM…. MICROSOFT WINDOWS. WHAT A CRAPPY OS, OH WELL, IT IS REALLY FUNCTIONAL BECAUSE EVERY WHERE YOU GO THEY HAVE IT, AND THAT MAKES IT CONVIENIENT, BUT I REALLY WOULD RATHER HAVE SOMETHING DIFFERENT. ANY HOW, MY NEW COMPUTER, B.........!!!! WE’RE GONNA GET SUPER GRADES, IF ONLY YOU COULD DO THE WORK FOR ME, HA HA. RIGHT SO, TALK TO YOU LATER.

Old Post 07/31/02

7/31/02
ok, I know I started this a long time ago, and I do really intend on keeping up with it, it’s just that I procrastinate and just end up making myself busier….I really need to work on that. So the whole reason I started this is for several reasons really, one being that I think it is a good Idea, I believe it nurtures thinking in a more focused and directed manner, it is good practice for my keyboarding skills which are rather lacking, and on the suggestion of my current instructor. He is the instructor at cbc who teaches Technical Writing 205. I took this class hoping to gain a new skill, but it doesn’t’ really seem that I will as I don’t feel that I am learning much from my instructor. Oh, shit, well I didn’t got to bed last night, and as I sit here I am really getting tired, so I will leave it here now…sorry.