It’s been a while, since July-ish, and I still can’t stop thinking of that woman, I try to scream her out of my head but it doesn’t help. I keep thinking of how things were going, how I thought we were making progress, but when I look back at it all I see that I might have been making progress, but she and I weren’t together on it.
I feel like she robbed me of my happiness, she shattered my dream for us, but I guess that was it, just my dream for us, not our dream. But she didn’t let me in to talk to her, she was too busy with her friends, forgetting me in the process.
I feel like everything I own is a liability to me, preventing me from progressing to the point that I want to be at. I see all my possessions holding me back, holding me to this place, holding me back from advancing in life. I just need to cut everything loose, leave it all behind, completely, and get back to myself. I need to take the time to figure out what that is, who I am now, what I’ve become. I think to myself that I know what that is, but I’m not even certain if I’m not just lying to myself, fooling myself, wishful thinking, or if maybe it is the truth of who I am now. I know I just want out of this place, I want to see the world, I want to wander the world and find my place, find the place that feels right, that I can relax, that I can trust, that has opportunity for me. I just need to be alone for a long, long time.
I do wish, I wish that she and I could work out, that she could see her way back to us, but I don’t believe that will happen, so I’m trying to let go, but I just can’t get her out of my head and I am so sick of thinking about her, I just wish I could take a bullet to the head and clear her from my mind, every speck and memory. I wish eternal sunshine of the spotless mind were real and I could erase a selection of memories, but I would make sure we never meet again.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Down... down....down.
I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to do… I’m so sad, so mad, I feel so lost without your love. I want so bad to love someone like I loved you but I know I can’t do that right now, I don’t even feel like I can love again. I look at all the things around me that I’ve valued so long and now they just don’t matter, I know they have value in some way, but I don’t see it anymore; everything is just a burden on me now, things I have to take care of but I don’t care to, things that hold me to where I am and I don’t want to be here anymore. I try to make progress, make strides to get in a position to get away, but it just seems like I keep getting further and further behind. All I can figure is that I want to be good, I’ve can’t see my ambitions anymore, I don’t know what I’m trying for anymore, or why. I’m so piteous, such a fool I should have seen your deceit, hope I never see it again.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
How it happened for me
Dearest Kenya,
Well, here I sit again, I still think of you, I still wonder what to do. I keep finding myself thinking of things that I wanted to do with you, all the plans that I thought we could enjoy together. I guess that's really part of the problem though, me thinking of things I want to do, thinking of them with you. Rather I should be thinking of the things you want to do...but what are those things? I get stuck thinking they are the same as mine, but I do know that isn't true, I mean, we just aren't the same person. I think we are close and we both would enjoy the things I suggest, but I know I need to be more receptive to your ideas. It never was as if I didn't want to do them, we just got caught in that cycle of that tit for tat crap; so here is how I think it started:
We both were in school, being very dedicated(which is good), the times that we got free were rare and typically didn't coincide(unfortunate), so I think here we both started to hurt a bit, but we knew we couldn't blame the other, so we just kept it to ourselves(probably wrong), then this just kept building up(bad). And I knew you had been spending time with Robert, time that I was envious of, that I wanted to share with you. But, I believed he was a good influence on you, he's smart, played chess, liked Nietzsche, and an academic; all these things in themselves meaningless, but to some degree good, and you loved getting to talk to him, you were so impressed by him... Yes, I was jealous of the relationship you had with him, just because I kept wishing we could spend that time together. So I was jealous and I was hurt. Then I felt like I tried to get time with you to do things, but there was always something; work, you had plans, etc. etc. I know I didn't try hard enough, but I also felt like you were needing space, I was convinced that with your sister at the house with the kids that we both needed time away, we just ended up not spending it together. Part of me thought this was ok, I mean, we used to always go off and do our own things then come back and be so focused on each other. But also part of me was hurting, we weren't coming back to each other and when we did there was something else...just a distance really(bad), but it was there. And we never really talked(really bad), so the distance grew and we both hurt(I think). And yes I did try to do something, not enough, but I was afraid to be to needy of you, so I would go to Sharis as often as I could, even sat in the smoking sections, just in case you and Sarah were to come by; I would get to see you, it would be a happy accident. But, as you know, we never ran into each other, and I just sat there, studying(not all bad), but at the same time I was disappointed I didn't see you, the sadness grew.... And I started not wanting to do things with you, and also not being able to try to find you. I have to admit I wasn't worried about my birthday, I knew you were in school, and I just don't care about my birthday the way you do... But I really just believed you needed the time to study, you always said you hated that geology class, “Rocks suck,” so I just thought you needed your time with that. Then times that you asked me to do things with you I resisted. I took that summer class and psyched myself out that it would be way harder and I made the mistake of taking a class I wasn't interested in, so I was trying for it but wasn't caring(bad of me). During that I kept going to Sharis, reading and studying, still hoping to bump into you, but never did... And so I finally got the chance to see John B, I thought you might really enjoy that, I believe you really enjoy going out to shows with me, and I knew it would be fun, just cause I was determined to have fun, with you. And I really thought we did, although I didn't like all my dinner and we had a little trouble at the restaurant, I really had a good time with you and thought the whole experience was good, it was just nice, although a bit of a whirlwind(bad because we needed to spend more time together). And I don't feel like I shut you out at the dinner, trying to explain my point, I just wanted to give myself time to really think it through, that thought; Thats a problem for me you see, I think a thought sometimes, think “hey, Kenya would have some good input on this,” but then you try to get really at what I'm thinking and I feel dumb cause that is all I'm thinking, I jump into the thought so we can work it out, but it gets all turned around and I don't feel like you like me for having an idea I can't completely vocalize. And at this time you had been spending time with Jared and Sarah, but I thought it was ok, just another guy who you would see through, find fault in, see how he didn't measure up or how he was just like all the rest of the people. I even thought it was less than that, like he was just a friend of Sarah's....The only time I really thought it was a problem was when you came home reeking of garlic, not that it was bad, but I was missing you and it irritated me that you came home so late, reeking and I couldn't get close to you...so I hurt again(more bad). And I still couldn't get close to you, you still were staying out late, staying away from me so I thought I could get your attention by sleeping on the floor, away from you, I thought, “if she doesn't want to be with me, then that's what she gets,” but thats not what I wanted for us, I just wanted us to spend time, together. But I still was trying to stay out late, I didn't know where you'd be, but I stayed in town, went to Sharis, tried to stay available, and still we never bumped into each other....and eventually you said you were going on to California, and I thought this would be good for you, that you'd come back and be ready to spend time with us. But then your sister said what she said, I started thinking about how you reacted to my joke...then I called to find out when you were coming back and hoping you'd have free time when you got back that we could do a little something, I asked to go to Sage. And you never called back, and the day got so late and I called to find out your plans, and when you said you were staying at your moms I felt like you were doing it to hurt me, it did, and you seemed short with me, so I asked, it seemed obvious, and I made the mistake of pushing you, making you answer instead of talking to me about it all, and now you won't/can't/don't, it's all gone... I wish we had another chance.
So that's it in a nutshell for me, not much else to report, I try to find out from anyone what's going on, what could have precipitate this, and all I find is the crap that everyone is supposed to tell you, “there's better people for you,” “she's not worth it,” “she'll come back,” “you're a great guy,” “it's her loss,” and all that sort of thing, but I still love you and none of this changes that or the promises I made to us...
I even went so far as to talk to Robert, trying to see if he knew anything, if you'd indicated anything and still all I find are more questions, more ambiguity... I still have hope, for some reason, but it's hard many times, I keep hearing all the love in songs and how it makes me feel about you and I search high and lo for pictures or some moments of our love. I really hope you can see your way back to us, I really believe that we are it, you are my end, but not a tragedy.
Well, here I sit again, I still think of you, I still wonder what to do. I keep finding myself thinking of things that I wanted to do with you, all the plans that I thought we could enjoy together. I guess that's really part of the problem though, me thinking of things I want to do, thinking of them with you. Rather I should be thinking of the things you want to do...but what are those things? I get stuck thinking they are the same as mine, but I do know that isn't true, I mean, we just aren't the same person. I think we are close and we both would enjoy the things I suggest, but I know I need to be more receptive to your ideas. It never was as if I didn't want to do them, we just got caught in that cycle of that tit for tat crap; so here is how I think it started:
We both were in school, being very dedicated(which is good), the times that we got free were rare and typically didn't coincide(unfortunate), so I think here we both started to hurt a bit, but we knew we couldn't blame the other, so we just kept it to ourselves(probably wrong), then this just kept building up(bad). And I knew you had been spending time with Robert, time that I was envious of, that I wanted to share with you. But, I believed he was a good influence on you, he's smart, played chess, liked Nietzsche, and an academic; all these things in themselves meaningless, but to some degree good, and you loved getting to talk to him, you were so impressed by him... Yes, I was jealous of the relationship you had with him, just because I kept wishing we could spend that time together. So I was jealous and I was hurt. Then I felt like I tried to get time with you to do things, but there was always something; work, you had plans, etc. etc. I know I didn't try hard enough, but I also felt like you were needing space, I was convinced that with your sister at the house with the kids that we both needed time away, we just ended up not spending it together. Part of me thought this was ok, I mean, we used to always go off and do our own things then come back and be so focused on each other. But also part of me was hurting, we weren't coming back to each other and when we did there was something else...just a distance really(bad), but it was there. And we never really talked(really bad), so the distance grew and we both hurt(I think). And yes I did try to do something, not enough, but I was afraid to be to needy of you, so I would go to Sharis as often as I could, even sat in the smoking sections, just in case you and Sarah were to come by; I would get to see you, it would be a happy accident. But, as you know, we never ran into each other, and I just sat there, studying(not all bad), but at the same time I was disappointed I didn't see you, the sadness grew.... And I started not wanting to do things with you, and also not being able to try to find you. I have to admit I wasn't worried about my birthday, I knew you were in school, and I just don't care about my birthday the way you do... But I really just believed you needed the time to study, you always said you hated that geology class, “Rocks suck,” so I just thought you needed your time with that. Then times that you asked me to do things with you I resisted. I took that summer class and psyched myself out that it would be way harder and I made the mistake of taking a class I wasn't interested in, so I was trying for it but wasn't caring(bad of me). During that I kept going to Sharis, reading and studying, still hoping to bump into you, but never did... And so I finally got the chance to see John B, I thought you might really enjoy that, I believe you really enjoy going out to shows with me, and I knew it would be fun, just cause I was determined to have fun, with you. And I really thought we did, although I didn't like all my dinner and we had a little trouble at the restaurant, I really had a good time with you and thought the whole experience was good, it was just nice, although a bit of a whirlwind(bad because we needed to spend more time together). And I don't feel like I shut you out at the dinner, trying to explain my point, I just wanted to give myself time to really think it through, that thought; Thats a problem for me you see, I think a thought sometimes, think “hey, Kenya would have some good input on this,” but then you try to get really at what I'm thinking and I feel dumb cause that is all I'm thinking, I jump into the thought so we can work it out, but it gets all turned around and I don't feel like you like me for having an idea I can't completely vocalize. And at this time you had been spending time with Jared and Sarah, but I thought it was ok, just another guy who you would see through, find fault in, see how he didn't measure up or how he was just like all the rest of the people. I even thought it was less than that, like he was just a friend of Sarah's....The only time I really thought it was a problem was when you came home reeking of garlic, not that it was bad, but I was missing you and it irritated me that you came home so late, reeking and I couldn't get close to you...so I hurt again(more bad). And I still couldn't get close to you, you still were staying out late, staying away from me so I thought I could get your attention by sleeping on the floor, away from you, I thought, “if she doesn't want to be with me, then that's what she gets,” but thats not what I wanted for us, I just wanted us to spend time, together. But I still was trying to stay out late, I didn't know where you'd be, but I stayed in town, went to Sharis, tried to stay available, and still we never bumped into each other....and eventually you said you were going on to California, and I thought this would be good for you, that you'd come back and be ready to spend time with us. But then your sister said what she said, I started thinking about how you reacted to my joke...then I called to find out when you were coming back and hoping you'd have free time when you got back that we could do a little something, I asked to go to Sage. And you never called back, and the day got so late and I called to find out your plans, and when you said you were staying at your moms I felt like you were doing it to hurt me, it did, and you seemed short with me, so I asked, it seemed obvious, and I made the mistake of pushing you, making you answer instead of talking to me about it all, and now you won't/can't/don't, it's all gone... I wish we had another chance.
So that's it in a nutshell for me, not much else to report, I try to find out from anyone what's going on, what could have precipitate this, and all I find is the crap that everyone is supposed to tell you, “there's better people for you,” “she's not worth it,” “she'll come back,” “you're a great guy,” “it's her loss,” and all that sort of thing, but I still love you and none of this changes that or the promises I made to us...
I even went so far as to talk to Robert, trying to see if he knew anything, if you'd indicated anything and still all I find are more questions, more ambiguity... I still have hope, for some reason, but it's hard many times, I keep hearing all the love in songs and how it makes me feel about you and I search high and lo for pictures or some moments of our love. I really hope you can see your way back to us, I really believe that we are it, you are my end, but not a tragedy.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Losing Faith....
This letter was written a couple weeks after our break-up. I was all messed up, but here it is.
Dear Kenya,
Well, I’ve written quite a few letters so far and only mailed or got a few off to you…Why is that? Well, I just don’t want to be rash. You are very special to me, and I never wanted to lose you, it kills me that we are in this position. I am even more devastated by your ability to easily begin a new relationship with someone else. I wish I could ask you to just stop, to take some time and really consider everything that’s going on. I want you to know I really wanted to spend time with you every night, I really did stay out as late as I could, hoping you would get in touch with me so we could talk or do anything. And I really did trust that you were with Sarah.
I know I’ve done my own “infidelity,” for lack of a better term, but what you have done now is so much more. In the past I have been careless with my “love” and it feels to me like that is what you are doing now. My carelessness really was rare though, I have nearly always made love because I was in it. And, my infidelity while we were together, it is so different to me, I mean, oral sex lacks intimacy to me, has less meaning when a woman performs it on a man. I guess ultimately I feel it’s demeaning. So, when I did what I did with that girl, it had no value to me, I only received a physical pleasure from it along with a devastating blow to my conscience. But what you are doing now, I mean, that’s a part of love, a part of a relationship that you want to keep. And that really hurts, I don’t know how you can just go from a 6 year relationship to someone else and start it all over again with such seriousness. It leaves me cold and sick just thinking about it. I mean, what are you thinking??? Emotionally you aren’t even normal yet, are you? I can’t image trying to start a meaningful relationship with someone after leaving such a serious relationship…I guess it just comes down to what your goal is; to leave me. I suppose you believe we would try to work it all out and we might even, so you believe if you started something else, if you went far enough there would be no coming back… I hope this isn’t really how you feel, but it is my observation and it seems accurate, from here.
I really am confused Kenya, it hurts to think these things, to believe them and to see what you are doing. I’m so afraid that even if we got together again, how would we get past all this, would you ever say I’m the one again? If you did would I believe you? Would you even be happy?
The thing about that article is, I wish we could be doing those things together, trying to work those things out, making our relationship better. I really do believe that love conquers all, it’s crazy I know, but it’s possible, if we just let it. Yes, it makes me terribly nervous, makes me so nervous I would lie and say love doesn’t exist, but I know it, I’ve been living with it for 6 years, and I loved it, I thought we were so good, doing so well, getting what we needed until a time when our time was all ours, and we could be together, enjoying each other like we do. Sometime like now, this summer, with some free time, just being together like we enjoy, doing things we enjoy.
I’m so mad that you could just throw us away for some sweet words from a desperate man, I fucking hate you for this, you are being stupid. What has gotten into you that you can’t see the ways you have been manipulated by these people, was I suppose to marry you, how was I supposed to know when you wouldn’t even talk to me. What happened that I’m not even your best friend, that you couldn’t even tell me your misgivings, your doubts. It’s like you orchestrated this so your mind couldn’t be changed.
And I don’t want to be like Chantelle and Joe, where, when your other relationships don’t work you try with me, but always in the back of your mind planning your next out. And I don’t want to be like Joel, someone who confides in your family, and your family mostly likes, but never having the pleasure of your company. I almost think this must be a game to you; you know I’ll be here waiting for you, so it is safe to go screw up, and fuck around because “Adam loves me, no matter what,” and “Adam believes in us, and wants us to work,” so while I pine away, hoping that you’ll come around, that you’ll see what’s really going on, you go and have your little trysts because the emotional support you’ll be needing is always going to be there…Well, it won’t. I am so convoluted right now, filled with hope, hate, love, spite, anger, frustration, and when it all finally does get worked out, I’ll probably just end up hating you, like all the rest... and for that I’ll be sad.
Dear Kenya,
Well, I’ve written quite a few letters so far and only mailed or got a few off to you…Why is that? Well, I just don’t want to be rash. You are very special to me, and I never wanted to lose you, it kills me that we are in this position. I am even more devastated by your ability to easily begin a new relationship with someone else. I wish I could ask you to just stop, to take some time and really consider everything that’s going on. I want you to know I really wanted to spend time with you every night, I really did stay out as late as I could, hoping you would get in touch with me so we could talk or do anything. And I really did trust that you were with Sarah.
I know I’ve done my own “infidelity,” for lack of a better term, but what you have done now is so much more. In the past I have been careless with my “love” and it feels to me like that is what you are doing now. My carelessness really was rare though, I have nearly always made love because I was in it. And, my infidelity while we were together, it is so different to me, I mean, oral sex lacks intimacy to me, has less meaning when a woman performs it on a man. I guess ultimately I feel it’s demeaning. So, when I did what I did with that girl, it had no value to me, I only received a physical pleasure from it along with a devastating blow to my conscience. But what you are doing now, I mean, that’s a part of love, a part of a relationship that you want to keep. And that really hurts, I don’t know how you can just go from a 6 year relationship to someone else and start it all over again with such seriousness. It leaves me cold and sick just thinking about it. I mean, what are you thinking??? Emotionally you aren’t even normal yet, are you? I can’t image trying to start a meaningful relationship with someone after leaving such a serious relationship…I guess it just comes down to what your goal is; to leave me. I suppose you believe we would try to work it all out and we might even, so you believe if you started something else, if you went far enough there would be no coming back… I hope this isn’t really how you feel, but it is my observation and it seems accurate, from here.
I really am confused Kenya, it hurts to think these things, to believe them and to see what you are doing. I’m so afraid that even if we got together again, how would we get past all this, would you ever say I’m the one again? If you did would I believe you? Would you even be happy?
The thing about that article is, I wish we could be doing those things together, trying to work those things out, making our relationship better. I really do believe that love conquers all, it’s crazy I know, but it’s possible, if we just let it. Yes, it makes me terribly nervous, makes me so nervous I would lie and say love doesn’t exist, but I know it, I’ve been living with it for 6 years, and I loved it, I thought we were so good, doing so well, getting what we needed until a time when our time was all ours, and we could be together, enjoying each other like we do. Sometime like now, this summer, with some free time, just being together like we enjoy, doing things we enjoy.
I’m so mad that you could just throw us away for some sweet words from a desperate man, I fucking hate you for this, you are being stupid. What has gotten into you that you can’t see the ways you have been manipulated by these people, was I suppose to marry you, how was I supposed to know when you wouldn’t even talk to me. What happened that I’m not even your best friend, that you couldn’t even tell me your misgivings, your doubts. It’s like you orchestrated this so your mind couldn’t be changed.
And I don’t want to be like Chantelle and Joe, where, when your other relationships don’t work you try with me, but always in the back of your mind planning your next out. And I don’t want to be like Joel, someone who confides in your family, and your family mostly likes, but never having the pleasure of your company. I almost think this must be a game to you; you know I’ll be here waiting for you, so it is safe to go screw up, and fuck around because “Adam loves me, no matter what,” and “Adam believes in us, and wants us to work,” so while I pine away, hoping that you’ll come around, that you’ll see what’s really going on, you go and have your little trysts because the emotional support you’ll be needing is always going to be there…Well, it won’t. I am so convoluted right now, filled with hope, hate, love, spite, anger, frustration, and when it all finally does get worked out, I’ll probably just end up hating you, like all the rest... and for that I’ll be sad.
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