Some Bloomsday Factoids

Finish Time: 1:31:09

Overall Place: 13,684 out of 42,697

Ran with a pace of 12:13 per mile

The average pace for 30-year-olds was 14:46

Placed 253rd among people the same age Top 25

Placed 135th among people from Richland, WA Top 25

Placed 10,164th among people from the State of Washington Top 25

Placed 6th among people with the same last name Top 25

Placed 7,729th among males Top 25

Placed 125th out of 243 among 30-year-old males Top 25

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Now playing: Hollertronix - Never Scared
via FoxyTunes

Beautiful Bloomsday in the slow lane.

For the past week I've been being especially careful to not do too much on my injured foot. I had a couple days in which I didn't do anything, just rested the foot and laid around. It wasn't fun. I started getting to the point that I could walk on it and that was just in time for me to head to Seattle for Cut//Copy. They played an excellent show, a lot of fun and sold the place out. everyone was really cool and I really enjoyed getting to see them live, definitely worth going to see. I didn't get much time there so wasn't able to see my buddy Allan, but we spoke for a bit and we hope to get together for a baseball game or something! As I was watching Cut//Copy, I could feel my foot pop and then was able to put more of my weight on it, but it was still painful. I drove home after the concert and continued to rest my foot.

Mark, another buddy of mine invited me to a Pickle Ball tournament he was holding, so I went to that on Saturday. We had a nice time, ate some burgers, and played Pickle Ball and Wii. There were quite a few people there and the tournament went on for quite a while. After playing a couple games of Wii I left there about 10. I was had to go to Bloomsday on Sunday, so I had to get up early.

I set the alarm for 3 and got up about 3:30 to get ready for Bloomsday. My foot was still bothering me, so I fully intended on walking it, but I was going to do it regardless. I convinced Kate to follow through and go, especially since I'd be walking it. She did and we left for Spokane around 4:30/45. The drive up was nice and the weather looked good. by the time we got to Spokane it was clear and sunny with few clouds. It wasn't cold and wasn't too warm. We picked up our packets and headed to a drop off point to catch the bus down to the race start. We had to wait for a long time for our actual start time, and we just went to Starbucks for some snacks/coffee. After a bit we headed to the start and just stood around waiting for the start. After the start we jogged a bit, and I was surprised that my foot didn't bother me all that much. after getting through some of the crowd we walked a bit then jogged for a bit more. We were trying trying to keep an eye our for her brother who would be coming along behind us so we could run with him and somehow I was able to pick him out from the crowd as he ran by. We jogged and walked the rest of the way with a sprint at the end. I ran the entirety of "Doomsday hill" and was surprised how it wasn't as difficult as I expected, of course I hadn't been running much up to that point. After the race we got our t-shirts and went to a bar to shoot the breeze. we hung out for a while then Kate and I had to get back to catch our bus back to my car. The drive back was uneventful and we stopped at Kate's families for dinner then came home for a winning softball game. It was a great day in the sun!
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Now playing: Vostok - Airplanes Main Mix
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Benched by a half mary injury

AAAAAAAAAARGH!!!

Shooot, this is not good. Just when I signed up for Bloomsday and the Fiasco in Pasco!!!! Now, I have a minor, but debilitating injury. So, I ran a bunch to achieve my 100 miles for the month, I did it!!! It wasn't bad, I crammed the last 14 miles into one run, it went well, apart from a nagging pain in my foot. It started at mile 7.5, "I was too far along to stop," I thought, "I don't want to walk this far back home," I thought. "I CAN do this," I thought. So I did it. I was at a moderate, but constant pace. I even threw in a sprint to the last 500M, and I did it, all 14 miles, no breaks, no stops. My feet hurt, but not as bad as expected. It was good. I ate well that night, I went to bed early, I massaged my feet... I woke up, I could not put pressure on my right foot. I grew very concerned. I went about my day, noticing that it didn't get any better, couldn't walk on it normally, and limped around on my heel. I made calls to get it looked at...1st place, can't see me until 5/14, no good; 2nd place couldn't see me until 5/1, not good enough; last place got me in today, thankfully! X-rays were good, no breaks, spacing good, bone structure is great...so what's the problem? Seems to be sore connective tissue, maybe I could benefit from additional arch support, take some aspirin for the pain and swelling, when it starts feeling better, gradually begin working back up to the distances I was already at, cross train on low impact...AAAAAARGH, this sucks, I so wanted to do Bloomsday in less than an hour, now, I may not even walk it...not cool. Never the less, music is saving my soul. I'm enjoying the following:
Lykke Li

Late Rage, Old Days, and Golden Ages...

Where to begin? There's been many moons since my last post, and I can barely recall what I did last night...ARG!!! I've been running late for most of the that time it would seem. Never the less I've been able to keep up a bit with my training(only a few miles behind the goal). But I was actually pretty successful with the Rage in the Sage race. It must have been that iTunes gift certificate that my roommate gave me! I took 3rd for my age group and had a reasonable time 1:28:28!!! That's a little better than how I performed on my practice runs, but still room for improvement. Pretty good for a first timer and I got goodies and a wine glass with the even engraved on it! Next is Bloomsday and I seem to be shaping up ok for that...I'm projecting a sub 60 min completion time. About a week after that is another Duathlon. I'd like to have a new road bicycle for that, but time is running out and they just don't come cheap...

I'm now into a new age group for competition. It's the SO old(30-34) age group...oh my! I had a nice birthday on the slopes, which was pretty dang good for this time of year!!!! I should have gone the day before on the fresh stuff, but there was still some good stuff on my day! It was a nice day with my sister for a couple runs, and a couple of my friends. One buddy, Mark, and I had a small collision which left a cut on his face, but otherwise it wasn't bad. I felt horrible about it, but he said he was good. Hopefully he'll still board with us... Also I got treated to a last meal of my 20's dinner and a birthday dinner... and 3 batches of cookies!!! from Kate... It's been good.

Otherwise, I've been running, surprise, and looking for the Golden Age... There is this lyric that keeps bouncing around my head about it being the "golden age," and I just can't place the song. It makes me think a lot about the way things are going in the world right now, and I know there has got to be the golden age out there somewhere, but where?

New goals:
Run more stairs - I did some at Fran Rish and I just need to do more
Sub 6:30 mile - I've been consistently around 7:00...I CAN get that extra .30
Plyometrics - this will help my speed and explosiveness, I also need the variety in workouts
7 miles a day - Just trying to up my mileage

Misc:
I'm interested in Adventure Racing, used to watch Eco-Challenge and that always impressed me. I went ahead and bought a couple videos of Primal Quest. In planning for the Mt St Helens dash I'm setting a personal goal of doing a 6 mile an hour pace...So finish in 5 hours. I know the terrain is irregular, but I think this is a doable goal. I ordered an ultra light first aid kit for these type of adventures....
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Now playing: Kissy Sell Out - Kissy Sell Out Xfm DJ Set!!!!!
via FoxyTunes

Stiff rest in sunny suburban pasta

It would seem I've been taking a bit of a rest from posting and running and all that I've been up to for the past month. It's been a really nice week, the sun has been shining a lot and I've tried to get out in it. I ran a 9 miler Sunday and that was the last huge run before this weekends competition. I've purposefully tried to take it easy. I ran again, working on speed, Tuesday and it sucked pretty bad. I just wasn't performing well. I did get a new best for the mile, 6:17, but it took a lot out of me and I was only able to barely squeeze out 2.5 miles. My opinion is that isn't good enough, especially considering how I felt. The next day my legs felt kind of stiff, I got busy at the house and had intended to run down to ULTY, but it got so late and I wanted to take it easy, so I just drove. It was so nice we played until probably 7:30 or 8. Again, my running wasn't up to par. Really slow compared to normal. I had endurance, but not my top speeds, and stiff legs. Yesterday I didn't run at all, just trying to rest my legs, and they still feel stiff, even today. I plan on running on them a bit tonight, to hopefully loosen them up. In prep for the race, I've been eating a lot of pasta all week. With all this sun, I've laid out on the hammock for the past couple afternoons for about an hour. It's nice!!!!
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Now playing: Midnight Juggernauts - Road to Recovery (Curses! Remix)
via FoxyTunes

Blogs about Mt St Helens Trail Run.

Click this link: Loowit
Another
Route
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Now playing: Deep Blue - The Helicopter Tune (Rob Playford & Rennie Pilgrem remix)
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Ultimately Running Late.

All last week I've been running late, I hate that. I don't think I woke up for the first ring of my alarm clock once. That only trickles down to the rest of my day. Dragged butt at work, Didn't get out of work in a timely manner, meetings ran late, then, to top it off, I ended up running in the dark, it was so late.

Monday's run was the longest I've gone. It was really good, took a while, but still good! unfortunately I succeeded in getting a blister on my foot. Not a big deal, just left it be, didn't even pop it, but tried to take it easy. I know I need to log miles in order to achieve my goal of 100 for the month, so I still ran on the blister. I did an easier run Tuesday, and it went fine, without too much aggravation of the blister. I took Wednesday off except that I was playing Ultimate, so that basically gave me sprint work. It was one of the nicest days we've had so far, 60 with no wind. I played well and ran pretty hard, still not much aggravation of the blister. Thursday was the latest day yet, I ran a bunch of errands after work, was preparing for a run when I remembered I had a meeting at 7. CRAP! That meant I was going to be running sometime after 9. Not that big a deal, but I don't have much in the way of night running gear.

I did go on that run, dressed in white, with a headlamp. It went pretty well, but then my blistered foot started to feel funny. It got to the point that I couldn't run on it. I decided to take a seat and take a look at what I was worried would be some kind of mess. It wasn't all that bad, just the blister had totally burst, and the skin was tearing away. I couldn't let that be, so I tore the rest of the skin off, only to reveal a smaller blister beneath that. AAARGH! I hobbled home and didn't get in until very late. I medicated it, and resolved to buy running specific socks.

I took Friday off from running. Tried to find somewhere in town that had the running socks I wanted...no dice. I did buy a pair from REI, but they aren't the ones I had in mind. Saturday was a long day for me. my foot wasn't bothering me that bad and I know I've still got to get miles. I put on those running socks, got all stretched out and went out to the race course for 'Rage in the Sage.' I did the whole course, in the wind and the sun, in 1:31:23. I don't have any idea if this is a good time, we'll see this Saturday at the competition! My blister didn't bother me at all, and it should be even more healed by then. Just need to keep training.

Planning continues for the St. Helens run, logistics may prove difficult. May just end up doing it twice or something crazy like that.
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Now playing: Corrupt Souls - The Singularity
via FoxyTunes

Mt. St Helens 30 miler

Here is a link to a rough map of the trail, Loowit Trail 216, surroinding Mt. St. Helens.
http://www.fs.fed.us/gpnf/recreation/trails/locations/msh-0216-loowit.shtml

Est's, Bat's and Ghost Colours

Wahoo!!!! I got it, AND before it was actually released in the states!!! Cut Copy's new album, 'In Ghost Colours,' and it is pretty dang good! I even listened to the whole thing already!!! While on a run! ha ha, it was nice, smooth, upbeat, and groovy, like me!!! pffft ha ha j/k. Anyhow, it's a good album and I can't wait to see them this April in Seattle, after I've completed the 100 mile challenge for the Ollythoners.

Speaking of 100 miles, after I completed my goal of getting 30 miles in a month, I am already 7+ miles into my next goal of 100 for the next 30 days. I'm gonna rock it, in fact all of us are! It was while I was running that 7+ miles that I was listening to the Cut Copy album. While I was running through the park, I notices a bat kite in the tree, it seemed strangely appropriate. I also saw plenty of people and their pets; I don't mind people and there dogs, leashes or not(although there is a leash law), however this time one of the dogs got a bit too friendly and the owner had to come get it away from me. Not a big deal, the dog just wanted to play, but honestly if there's a leash law that you aren't going to abide, at least heel that darn animal! What it I were some kid and the dog did that? Just think about that. Or, what if I were more litigious, hmmm? Anyhow, the dog only wanted to play so not that big a deal, just control your pet. Never-the-less I was able to complete my longest run yet...7.88 miles according to Nike+, but still pretty close. Also Friday I did my fastest mile at 6:34 average over 3 miles. I dunno what I was eating that day, but I better get some more!?!? New goal: 6:20 average over 3 miles. And I better start getting those times at longer distances!
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Now playing: Cut Copy - Far Away
via FoxyTunes

Live Justice in Sunny Seattle

Shame on me, I've taken the past couple days off from training even though I fully intended to train. My excuse is good though, I went to Seattle for a concert. I left home around 10 and headed up to Seattle on a really sunny day. It was a really sunny day and I was really glad to be out driving in it, can I tell you how much I love driving!?!?! I got to Seattle without any problems and just went straight to park and just walk around downtown. I've never been a big fan of Seattle as a place to go, so I'm still getting to know the area and do some exploring. It was probably the most sunny day I've ever seen in Seattle and that made it super! I walked all over and went to a few shops and even bought some new jeans, which has been a mission of mine for sometime. I went to Pikes Place, did some people watching and went to the totem pole and just looked out at the sea and back at the city...I swear it was the nicest day I've ever seen in Seattle!

I milled about long enough for my buddy to get out of work and I called him to get together. We ran some errands and went out for dinner at what we thought would be a good burger place, but it was closed, then the best mexican but it was packed, then finaly at a bar that was for the single 40's club, but the dinner was ok. After that I took him ot his place and headed to the concert I was there for. Diplo & Justice. I've seen Diplo before, and let me tell you, this was not his best performance, it was good, but he is so much better than how he played. As for Justice, I was expecting more of a DJ set rather than a PA, so was a bit disappointed when I got a PA. In fact, the whole thing wasn't all that good, I swear all the 21+'s are using fake ID's and I'm getting so much older, I just couldn't find any of my peers in the crowd. That and it was a Monday night, so the crowd was not so much...

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Now playing: The Kills - Black Balloon
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I'm a little bit crazy.

I admit it, I still hold a candle for her.

I don't really know what more I can do. I've changed a lot, I continue to try to advance in my life, making choices that will make me a better person, not give up on love and not be a miserable bastard. I still have to admit, I'm hung up on my X of six years(left me 3 years ago). I've told her at least partly how I feel, that she heard or understood, I don't know.

The problem is two fold, I still believe she is the one for me, I believe in our love and that it could overcome all this. All our changes and these years included.

I firmly believe I'm a better person than the other guy, a better match for her, and that she isn't happy with him. There are few parts of my life which I think she would have a problem with, and I believe I'd be comfortable with hers...

Second, I believe that there is no one better for me... no more perfect match, whose company I could enjoy more and I would be more willing to include in my life. None more fun, more intriguing, more beautiful, that I could accept, that could accept me.

She recently married that guy, I found out from her mother; I guess telling her how I felt did not have the effect I would have liked, but this is something I shouldn't ignore.

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Now playing: Heartsrevolution - C.Y.O.A.
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A shrinking feeling on a sunny route.

Ok, as per usual, I'll start with the music blog junk, skip to the next paragraph if you're uninterested. This does lead me to believe maybe I should start doing like a full on music blog, but really, I'm always so late int he game and so often things I'm turned off by on first listen actually grow on me and suddenly become faves...weird. A long time favourite of mine has been Future Sound Of London, FSOL for short. No, I haven't been into these guys from day one, but I've loved them since I first heard them...it was the summer in Portland '96. I've collected quite a bit of there work, released or broadcast, ISDN, Radio 1 rips, etc etc. There is a ton of stuff out there, but now all of a sudden they have released 3 albums of previously unreleased work as well as 1 digital album of work they did under alias, and still another as their popular psychedelic electronic band, The Amorphous Androgynous. The second album by AA was a really cool neo-hippy, "psychedelic babble"(to quote them in a way) and I was really touched by some of the album. Again, I'm excited for more music from another band I really enjoy. Also, they've always been ones to embrace digital distribution(ISDN), and They have pretty much their complete library online at their own digital store!!!

Saturday was a sunny but slightly chilly day, it was great! I had rested Friday because I knew I would be riding the course for R/S, and was well rested Saturday morning. Fortunately there is a loosely organized group playing ULTY during the mornings, so I jumped into my poly-pro and headed out for that. I briefly considered sunblock, but figured I wouldn't be out long enough. The showing for ULTY was light, but we played for about an hour and had fun, got some sun, etc etc. It's a nice way to work on my sprint work, but the rest of my skills need some polish... After that I headed home and just bummed around until my sister came to take my bike out to the race course, or there about(I know, I should have ridden it there, right!)

I followed out shortly after that and tried to motivate my sister to come to the practice ride, but she had some kind of self-conscious fear, so I just went alone. The race director was really laid back, asked who knew the course and offered to guide those of us who didn't. he rode at a moderate pace with lots of stops. We even rode the run course, now I am familiar with all the course and even mapped it for my running group, the OLLYTHONERS!!!! After the guided portion of the ride, I struck out for a second ride around the course and put some effort behind it. I didn't do so hot, but now I have an idea of the effort level I need to get up to in order to do well. I still think I'll have a chance to place for my age group, but there are a lot of athletes out there and I'm very new at all this...

Unlike my sister, I've never had any real trouble with Nike shoes. Always liked the styles, the colours(most of the time) and they have almost always fit me well. Until recently. I swear they recently decided to recreate the standard with which they measure sizes. I used to always be able to wear one size Nike, without fail. Now, all of a sudden, I'm having to buy a half size smaller to get the same result. Am I shrinking, have I lost so much weight in my feel that I lost a half size? ha ha, no all my shoes still fit, just all the newer models are a half size to big...This sucks, because now I'm gun-shy to buy another pair until I try them on(yes I use ebay normally).

Without that sunblock, I did manage to get a little red...not quite burned, but you know, more pink....

To my sis and niece....keep up the good work, I busted out more than 5 miles today! Wooo Hooo, SWEAT!!!!
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Now playing: Juiceboxxx & Dre Skull - Sweat
via FoxyTunes

An excited Interview with one pissed brick.

The title has everything to do with the content!!

First I'm excite because I'm getting some music that I've been looking forward to for a long time! First, Crystal Castles!!! Although I'm pissed they had to cancel the show I was going to go to, I do get a signed copy of their recently released album!!!! Honestly, I can't say much about their music, to me it's just fun, but it's easy to see other people call it noise. Nevertheless, I've enjoyed all that I've heard and I'm really anxious to get the album!!! The Kills, are also out now and I'm excited for that; the two of them are a great combination and their last albums have been super, so if this one follows suit...it's going to be good! And, it's in the mail!!!! Also, further on the horizon is the Cut Copy album 'In Ghost Colours.' I'm listening to the first single off of it at the moment and let me tell you it's hot like stolen property. Briefly I'll mention a bit about the new Ladytron album...All I know is that it exists...I'm excited for it though.

To fly int the face of much of the superstition I have about interviews, I'm going to advertise it now, that I had one today. I think it went well. I even know one of the people who interviewed me, so that was interesting. Wish me luck;)

Other than that, the biggy thats been occupying my mind currently is pissing me off is that I seem to have lost or misplaced my 4Gig jump drive!!! I've searched all over for that thing and I can't find it. I took it to the library one day and I'm pretty sure I was careful to take it with me when I left, but I'm starting to doubt that. I even went to the library and asked if it had been turned in, but it hadn't, so now I'm searching high and low. On the surface this isn't such a big deal, and I know of only one other place it could be, but I won't know if it's there for a couple days. I just have quite a bit of information on there that I don't want to recreate, nor want anyone else getting their hands on. Therefore, I'm pissed at myself for that...DANG IT!

I've been sticking with training lately, which I'm pleased with. I know I'm not getting runners high yet, but I'm actually enjoying it and the ipod helps. My legs are slowly getting back and I actually put together a small brick today in order to train for my first ever duathlon. I actually mimicked the duathlon that I'm competing in by doing a 1.5mi run, 5mi bike, 1.5mi run. All of that, back to back. I just need to boost the distances and I'll be doing the same as my duathlon, scheduled for 04/12/08. I don't think I'm doing as I can, but I know I'm building up to it. It actually wasn't as hard to run after biking as I thought; perhaps I work harder on the bike?

I keep checking/mapping the routes of the some of the competitions I want to do and I get a little bit intimidated. I have a lot of time to train and prepare for some of them, but I want to do well and actually maybe qualify for other competitions(Boston Marathon, yes really). Certainly I want to do well, even have some really good performances, but honestly it's been so long since I did any of this running stuff. I like it, but shoot, I've been lazy for a while. It's good to be back into it. I feel like I'm getting back to something that I've been missing. I can also feel how my body is doing better and I'm craving more healthy food's, even more than before, and that's a good thing!

I've been getting the chance to see my old buddy from college lately! It's awesome. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed his company, but it sure is nice to have such a good friend back in my life, and just a general good guy. Now, if I would just work on my other friendships. You know who you are, and I hope all is well for you! Tel next time.

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Now playing: Cut Copy - Lights & Music - Boys Noize Happy Birthday Remix
via FoxyTunes

The reply to my neice about training

My training has been spotty so far. first runs were awesome, but now I'm in quasi recovery. I ran last night and it was the worst I've run in my life I think... Goals: Sub 8 minute miles is the biggy. I can do that on short runs, but I need to get that for longer runs, IE Bloomsday. Otherwise my goals are to stay diligent with training and continue developing my form. More multisport competition should be cool to. Interested in the Mary, but not feeling much excitement until it's closer. Other goals would be to do the 30 trail run around Mt St Helens sometime....
Brea, I'm sure you can knock out 100 mi in a month, thats 25 a week, 5 a day with recovery time...no sweat! lets all keep it up and rock this Mary!

Why don't we just keep the same time

After losing this last hour to an age old practice that has no place in modern society, I'm under the impression that it amounts to squat. Nothing changed, I just got up earlier than I was anticipating; I still feel the same, I still made it to work, the sun still rose...No benefit was gained.


I got new cleats. I have had a horrible time buying cleats over the years. I've bought ones that felt nice in the store, to only have them feel kill my feet on the turf, I've had ones that have fallen apart in minutes, and the last pair I bought are so awquard it felt like I was going to break my ankle. Finally, friday I got some new one which I think are going to work. I'm wearing them now, trying to break them in, while I right this, and they seem to feel ok. A little tight, but that's why I'm breaking them in. I've had a bit of a love affair with red lately, and although the cleats aren't totally red like my nike shox, they have red high lights and I like it...never-the-less, we'll see how they hold up in ULTY this season.


Yesterday was a really good day. The sun was shining, the snow was softening, and I was on it! Finally, my roommate(Jon) made good on skiing, and we went and met some college buddies of his at Mission Ridge. I've never been to fond of Mission, but this was a good trip and Jon really surprised me. He'd indicated he hadn't skied much, and when he had it was on not so good conditions. I didn't really know what to expect, I was really surprised to see how much he attacked the mountian and got into it. It was really cool of him. The weather was really nice up there, blue bird all day, and the snow got really soft for a couple hours and made for a really pleasant day. This makes my 12th day of boarding this season, and I think the most I've gone since I was in high school...It's good to be donig this much boarding. The funny thing to me is this; Jon says this is some of the best snow he's ever skied on, while I'm thinking at least the sun is softening it up.


It would appear that I have entered into a time when I'll be running my legs off, rocking my socks off, and riding my bike until the wheels fall off!!! The bike(Silver Bullit) has been getting ridden for the past couple days off and on. Only about thirty miles, but it's more miles that it was getting while sitting in the garage. I'm going to be running tonight in order to begin my training for several runs I plan on running soon. The first appears to be Rage in the Sage with my sister, a duoathlon of running and biking. Next is Bloomsday, still a maybe, but I'm leaning in that direction. In addition to these running opportunities, I plan on doing ULTY agian and have already played a couple games, so that is a good running game. Rocking, will of course be all the concerts coming up...I'll have to determine some runs to do while I'm in those areas as it will provide me some new scenery...

Sigh, so I tend to lose patience and focus when it comes to this blogging stuff, so here's a list:
running more; cooking more because I can't go out and buy what I want to eat(orange rolls) and I want to control my diet for fitness; facebook I caved and joined; I want a garmin gps forerunner; I would like to figure out how I can be more successful.

Cats, snow, and lots of sun.

I made it back from cat skiing this last weekend. We left late Wednesday evening, much to my :[, and finally pulled into the house we rented at about 11:30pm. It was a nice old house really close to the resort and was cozy. We all got up early the next morning and I made a point of getting to the shower right away. After everyone was ready we all piled into the truck and headed up the mountain. As we bounded down the road we came across several massive bumps(frost heaves) that literally bounced the truck. Those slowed our fearless driver(my sister) down a bit, but we continued on.

The day was already pretty sunny and the road was good on the drive up, making it easy for us to get up to the resort in good time, but we were still a bit later than I'd have liked. We all piled out of the truck and began gearing up. Some of us went to the back of the truck only to discover that the tailgate was down; it had probably been down since we first hit the frost heaves. As we began to unload our gear we quickly realized that one of the ski's was missing. There was a bit of a panic and all of us grabbed our gear so my sister could take the truck back to see if the missing ski could be found. We asked a few people that drove up if they had seen one, but they hadn't.

While we were in the lodge getting our breakfast and generally getting ready, I was fretting over us actually getting out on the cat in time. We had already been later than I'd have liked and with part of the group off searching for a ski, there was no telling how long that was going to take. I was anxious to get on the Cat, and as the departure time approached I headed down to sit in it. There were a couple other people, not from our group, already in the cat, and I just grabbed a seat thinking how aggravated they must feel having to wait for us. The operator didn't actually wait that long and pretty soon most of us were in the cat, apart from the 3 who went after the ski, so we started out.

I was surprised at how slow the cat actually was. I guess I was expecting something pretty speedy, like a snowmobile. I was wrong about that. It was faster than walking, and did cover ground pretty fast, but just not what I was expecting. We go to the top of the mountain when the call came in that the ski had been found and they were on their way up. the decision was made to wait for one of them there. Kev, rode up on a snowmobile, with his missing ski, and we took off, still missing two people.

When the cat got to the first drop off point we all got out and got ready. The left us there to go to the first pick up point and we all kind of milled about as we waited for the last couple of people who were being brought up on snowmobiles. Finally we got our first run in. Unfortunately the weather had not given us any new snow for several days. The snow was mostly untracked, but it was also crusted in some places, hard in others, but also there were some powder stashes. The first run was decent, I stayed close to the trees to try and get more of the softer snow, and we came out right at the cat. It was a decent run and everyone was good skiers, so that made it a good experience.

Unfortunately there were no real epic runs in this instance, but the sun shown for the whole day, so it soften up the snow a bit and we covered quite a bit of ground. With such a sunny day it made it a really nice time, and I see a lot of potential for skiing like that, but, considering the speed of the cat, I think it would be best to do an over night in the back country with a cat pick-up so you end up skiing for a couple of days...

It was a good trip and I'll do it again, I hope! A big thanks to my sister for the invite!
Best,
Adam

Roll on.

The past couple of days have been really nice here. Cold, but lot's of sun!!! It is really nice, although I do love winter!!!

I'm going Cat Skiing(boarding) this week which should put me at 8, 9, and possibly 10 days of boarding this season! Not to shabby since I'm keeping track! I know I got quite a few last season, but I didn't keep track, so now I'll have a measurable amount to compare for next season. All my days boarding have been really good this season, as in more powder days than not. It makes it nicer.

I mentioned concerts before, here's a list and my reasoning:

02/27/08 - MSTRKRFT - Liked them since one of them was in DFA1979...
03/06/08 - Crystal Castles - Don't know much about them but I've enjoyed what I've heard, album ordered.
03/24/08 - Justice and Diplo - Diplo rocked my socks off last time, Justice rocks with a french accent!
05/16/08 - The Kills - for two people, they totally rock. Lyrics are super!!!
05/24/08 - Ladytron - Loved their last couple of albums, hope this new one measures up.

I've been diligent about job apps, kind of taking a spam approach and applying for things I'm qualified for and things I would like to do. My snowboard career isn't taking off, so gotta have a backup plan. ha ha.

With this nice weather lately, I've been trying to get outdoors more. Took the bike out for a spin last afternoon. It was cool and crisp, but a nice ride and my bike seems to have survived sitting around for several months, a-ok!!! I love that dang bike. I'm gonna try to put a lot of miles on it this year, at least make it worth the price I paid... This afternoon, ULTY!!! it's been ages, but it'll be nice to do some running around!!!

Best to ya, Ta!
Adam.

Oh, you again!

Ok, wow, I bet this is a surprise. Yeah pretty much died on the vine, but now I'm getting on it again, trying to use my goggle calendar a bit more and embed it in something since I can't put it in myspace...what a bunch of crap.

So, What's been happening!?!?!? Tons and nothing, all at once really. Finally finalized that relationship from the previous post. That was long and drawn out, but it's all over now!!! Followed that a few months later with another relationship that was actually pretty good and although it didn't work out I've gained a friend which is a nice change of pace. It's funny, there isn't really a tangible reason we didn't work, but it just wasn't there. Thankfully we both took it well and like I said, a new good friend. I finally caved and told the one woman I believe I could have married that I'm still in love with her... it didn't go as well as I'd liked, but I feel strangely relieved and good about it. Now, solo and enjoying it like I do!!!

I've moved again, now I have a roommate in a really cool house. I'm digging it, mostly.

Snowboarding, got 7 days so far, should be breaking 10 this month and that's good for me!!! Loving winter!!!

Lots of concerts coming up this spring and I'm stoked. See my calendar and I'll see you there. all shows are either Portland or Seattle. I'll see you there!?!?!?

Best and Ta! for now.
Adam.

Again...but we just did that.

Almost comical, but it hurts(Yes really). And although they say it gets a bit easier each time, this time is harder because I know it's final, I can't allow it to happen again, I can't keep getting hurt. It's just such a yo-yo, over and over; and with the philosophical. To what end, mental exercise? We can't even get through a month anymore, how can we philosophize about things that aren't even on the horizon. This time has really hurt me, I feel like such a failure. I don't know how good I have to be, but it's never enough, I don't feel it will ever be enough.

Lost.

Ultimately I feel rather lost. I could apply this to just about every part of my life at this point in time, but the most immediate are work, relationships and to a general degree, the day to day. As far as the day to day is concerned I just don't feel like there is anything for me, anything that I really enjoy or get my needs met in. I really can't even imagine what my needs might be, so thats probably part of the problem, but I can tell what my needs aren't(I think). I know I enjoy snowboarding, I can't believe how much I enjoy it and how much I missed it so many years, but I want to do more than that, and there is only a limited amount of time unless I fly to the alps or something. I suppose the rest of the day to day I would enjoy, just don't exist for me here(where I live). This isn't a large metro with museums and boutiques and etc etc, just things that are part of the whole cultural experience of living. Where I live, I would describe at pretty sterile in terms of culture.

Work is my biggest rub at the moment because its pretty bleak and I don't really see any light at the end of the tunnel. Honestly my current position has made me seriously doubt my choice in careers(did I really choose it?) and consider some radically different avenues(Thanks Lo). I know that part of the problem is simply scheduling. It began with school killing my social and personal life, and now work. I'm pretty tired of the current situation, but its kind of a trap for me. What I do is ridiculously easy and not at all stimulating, and in the same breath it is utterly depressing and I have difficulty motivating myself to do anything about it. This, unfortunately, spills into the rest of my life, causing hardship in my social life and killing me on a personal level. My dissatisfaction makes me a downer, and who wants to be around a downer? Not me! With this dissatisfaction from work and me considering other options, it leads me to feel lost about my career choice in a general sort of way, or at least, out of place.

I often find myself thinking hard about other career options and certainly they all have their pluses and minuses, but which ones can I be the success, the contributer, and respectable at that will ultimately give me the satisfaction at the end of the day that I crave. Also, a day job that rarely comes home with me, that's flexible and can allow me to not feel held hostage, but feel like I'm the right person for the job would be nice.

Sigh...., relationships. This is probably the saddest part for me because it's so convoluted, my work schedule kills my social life, and I strive to be a good person and yet I still fail to maintain a successful relationship. I know part of my failures stem from choosing to engage in relationships that I either do not want to succeed in or that I know cannot succeed. Case in point; choosing to have a relationship with a person I knew was moving away, so I had a convienient excuse. Yes, at the time it seemed like a doable thing, I even thought maybe, but ultimately I submitted and allowed the move to be the excuse. No, I didn't want to hurt anyone, but I thought, if I'm clearly seeing this move as a roadblock to our relationship, then they must be also(they weren't, shame on me). Case 2; choosing to have a relationship that I know cannot succeed simply because a large part of me knew that she truly wasn't able or willing to do or engage in the kinds of things that help relationships work. I was so aware of this that I have been quoted as saying, to my mother(of all people), "Don't get attached, it won't last"(shame on me). Well, sometimes you write things down and they come true and sometimes you say things and they come true, so, no it didn't last, I don't believe that statement caused it, but it didn't help the case. But, other than that statement, I was a really good boyfriend, I did things in a relationship(affection-wise) that I'd never have been caught dead doing in years past. I put a lot of effort into meeting the stereotype of a good boyfriend and just tried to be good because I wanted to, and still it failed(like I knew it would). So, ultimately I'm feeling pretty lost in that regard also; I don't know what I should do to do it right, and I don't know where I'm going to meet anyone I'd even care to be good to, especially with my crummy work schedule.

Then, of course, is the whole thing of what do I want in a relationship? I know I can't really answer that directly, I know a lot of what I don't want, and a few of the things I do want. But, I swear it seems like everyone I meet either doesn't know what they want, already has it, just isn't what I want, or wants it 5 minutes ago... And here in this place it's just so desolate of people who might remotely share my agenda in a relationship, or at least be willing to give it a faithful try, that I feel I don't have any options.

Snowboard ish.

(portions of this post are copied from emails, if you were the recipient of one of those emails, I hope it doesn't bore you.)

Wednesday I went skiing with my sister and some of her friends. It was a bit nervous working to actually getting to go skiing. First I think everyone was late. Next my sister got a flat in the parking lot of a grocery store, then as we were leaving, we drove across an overpass and we could see the interstate was backed up for a couple miles. Wisely, we chose to drive through town a bit to the next freeway on ramp and had no problems from there. The weather wasn't exactly looking good though. It had been really warm the day before and we were expecting the snow to be really icy as it had thawed and refrozen. So, on the way up to the mountain we actually broke through and got above the clouds and fog, so it was actually sunny on the mountain, and the snow was pretty soft. It was almost like spring skiing. The day went pretty well, and overall was very good. everyone was pretty good skiers so we went on a lot of technical stuff and trees, so it was a bit more work for me on a board, but still good. We ended the day with a hike up to a peak without a chairlift up it and had a nice ride down some fairly untracked snow. It was nice.

On the drive back it was VERY foggy and we pretty much had to drive by the paint on the road. It wasn't to bad, but there were a few spots that the fog was so thick I don't even think we had 10 ft of visibility. My sister and I got to talking, during the drive, about a ski trip she is doing in March that is back country. It turns out one of the group has dropped out, so there is a spot for me!!! I'm stoked, but It's troublsome cause its a backcountry experience which is really rare and a great opportunity, but in this case it's a tellemarking trip. Me being a boarder just means I need to firgure out a way I can telli through the backcountry and then board down this gorgeous untouched snow. There are options to just telli and haul my board, but then I'd constanly have a huge mast on my back; I could snow-shoe(I'm leaning toward this) but I'm concerned about how well I could keep up with the group which will be on telli; there are split snowboards that split to skis for telli then you have to put it back together for boarding, but then again I'm worried about the time it takes to put together and take it apart, also this is an expensive option, but maybe I could rent; finally is a collapsable ski but that is super rare, expensive, but then agian is possibly rentable, but first looks are bleak. Hopefully I can work something out on this, soon.

As you may or may not be aware I've been picking up a lot of nice newish snowboard crap off ebay. So first thing I ordered was new (DUB)boots . I got them, they are super nice, but don't fit my old bindings (I wanted new ones anyway, right!?!?). Then I started looking on the eBay for bindings and came across some ridiculously cheap, but very nice (SP)bindings. I won them and then I started to get nervous about the boot to binding fit aspect. The new boots I had gotten are quite a bit different from my older boots, much more bulky mostly; so I was thinking "crap if these boots don't fit the new bindings, I got a super deal on something I'm not going to be able to use." So the box arrived today and I anxiously unwrapped the bindings and although a little tight the new boots fit! That was a relief. Then, as I investigated the little puppies I noticed, pretty obvious actually, how much more advanced they are than my old bindings. I'm thoroughly impressed with the amount of different adjustments I'm able to make on the new bindings, especially when compared with the limited amount of adjustments that the old bindings accommodated. This is really great since I've been playing with my stance a bit, tweaking it to get a good control and well balanced trick stance. Hopefully I can get something dialed in nicely. Especially since I've basically never adjusted the bindings on my board since day one.

My digital strife...ahem, I mean life

It's been a goal of mine for the past year or so to integrate as much of my lifestyle/possessions into digital format and storage. A person needs to understand that I am a bit of a collector, I come by it honestly, and so I've got a few rather large collections. But really what I want to do is get as much of my stuff, that can be digitized(which I think is most), into a digital format and stored in a portable device(read: computer). My collections include my music(probably the largest collection), my photos(probably the most important/tedious to me), and then a variety of art and paperwork that I value or just don't want to keep the paper floating about.

I've been pretty diligent about keeping up with the whole paper thing, I mean, that is kind of a no-brainer; just saving everything I type(those that are important to me) and things like school papers(now old), and things like receipts and statements. Most of the Statement stuff is easy as I don't think there is a company now which doesn't offer the option to do everything online, which necessitates digital information rather than paper. The receipts have been a bit of a pain tho, it's amazing how much paper people use, and there is no standardization in the world of receipts. It's been super helpful to have all the receipts digital in one place, bookkeeping has benefited.

I've really hit a milestone with the music portion of this whole project; I recently got every last one of my CD's into iTunes at 320kbps, 48Hz. All nicely organized, with covers(whether automatic or made) with as much meta information as possible. This has necessitated the purchase of a 300GB hard-drive, dedicated to music. Thankfully that isn't full, but then again, that isn't all my music. I've got a few tapes that I do want ripped, and a few I've already done, so that is a bit of a time consuming process, and of course my huge record collection is a bear in itself. I've hoped to cut that portion down now that I can accurately cross reference my collection with my iTunes so that should prevent me from having go through the process of getting each record on iTunes. Still, that is going to be a long project, which I work on off and on. Thank you to all the record labels that have gone to iTunes or one of the other digital download sites; Red Light, Moving Shadow, Renegade Hardware, Cause 4 Concern, A Touch Of Class, Breastfed, etc etc.

Now I'm moving onto the photo portion of the project, which I've offered to incorporate with some of my families photos in exchange for some of the hardware. My father has offered to finance a nice flatbed scanner to do the project with, and I'm searching for a Minolta Dimage Scan II Elite 5400 film scanner so I can scan directly from the tons of negative I have. This I know is going to take a lot of time, but I really feel it's important to me to do all this so I don't have so many things, that are difficult to move, to move. Anyhow, the tedium continues, now how can I make it fun, as if.

1st day of Snowboarding

Yesterday I went for a little ski trip up to Mission Ridge. I had gotten my buddy Mark, from work, and my sister to go and we had a nice little trip. We started the day at around 5:30 just leaving to drive the somewhat long way up to Mission Ridge. It was chosen mostly because I hadn't been there before and it is one of Mark's favourite mountains to ski. So, making the long drive up there we ran into a bit of rain mostly, but overall it was a decent drive. The roads were all pretty good and traffic was light. I'll give myself an 'attaboy' there for wanting to leave super early.

We got to the mountain a bit before the chairs actually started running, so basically right on time. Got a nice, close, parking space and began to suit up. This was the first season that I actually have really good snow gear, so I knew I was going to be warm. I had just recently finished purchasing DUB Weathergear outfits, so not only was it new, high quality gear, but it was DUB, which, back when they were still in business, was a company I didn't find disagreeable.

All geared up, we went and grabbed out lift tickets, got bathroom breaks, and got on the chair up the mountain. The first chair was for the lower part of the mountain, a slow two man chair, which is for the green(beginner) runs. Off that chair is just a little ride down to the recently(last year) installed high speed quad, and from there is a quick zip up to the mountain top. Mark indicated this was a vast improvement to the mountain; this was another motivating factor for choosing to ski there as Mark hadn't been to it since the addition of the quad.

The day turned out really we, I got a lot of runs in and thankfully I didn't feel a bit cold or get wet at all. The only time I felt cold was when we started packing things up and I took off my gloves. So it was a nice day on the mountain, with some friends/family and I hope to do it again. Thanks go out to my sister for her enthusiasm(such a ski bum) and Mark for driving! Cheers guys, hope to do it again soon!!!!

An open letter to another failed lover (not pity)

I know I've hurt you. I know you find it hard to believe, but I do care. I know that no amount of explanation from me will be enough, but I did try to make it clear to you. I don't quite understand it in myself, but I just don't seem to be able to admit the degree of intimacy that I do feel until long after it's too late. It's hard to miss how angry you are with me, but you've got to understand that I couldn't resolve my issues and I felt terrible to constantly be holding myself back from you because I didn't want to get hurt. I didn't think it would become the problem it did when I first entered into it with you. I didn't consider our previous experience to be very tangible, as back then I was in such a different state. I honestly believed I was at a point that I could accept and deal with everything in ways that would be good for us. And, we know I 'm no angel and a social retard, but I am still capable of caring and woman, believe me, I do. And no, I didn't plan it and certainly don't have any other agenda. I have been honest with you, just, I suppose, not about my feelings (No, that doesn't do me a lot of good).

Busy, Not Lazy

Also known as "Making an apartment a home."

I officially moved into my own place Friday Dec 1. Thank goodness!!!! I've really been pleased to be out of the roommate situation and I like my new place. I'm in a nice complex, with nice facilities, I got new carpet, and it is still close to work. It seems to be very quiet and kind of conservative, I guess is the best description, and I think I have some good neighbors. I'm not the most social person so haven't gone about introducing myself, but the ones I've come across gong to and fro have all been nice enough to respond when I say "HI." The move itself went pretty smoothly, even though I'm not a very organized packer or anything, I didn't have a ton of things, and it only took probably a total of 6 hours loading, moving, and unloading; And, I was able to do it and still go to work(yay, not so much). This does not include the packing and unpacking, which 1 I'm not so good at, and the second I'm still not finished unpacking.

I don't have a ton of things, but as I've moved into my new place I've realized how little I really did have. I knew I'd have to buy some things for the kitchen, but I never really realized just how much. I only just ordered a toaster, bought a microwave the other day, got a nice dish set for a steal(which, even thought it got a crummy rating online, I figured it'd probably get broken someday eventually anyhow so 'FAK it'....), a nice flatware set, a tiny coffee table, and a few of the other things I'll need in the kitchen. I've still got a ton of things to get, and plenty of unpacking to do, but I'm getting there, and I'm kind of trying to buy things now as I need them (yes, pots and pans will be coming up) but for now I can at least bake a potato, pop microwave popcorn, and make TV dinners!!!! (sad, funny, and true...but I don't have a TV, don't really want one except for Nip/Tuck)

The apartment itself is pretty nice. I purposefully waited for them to have one with new carpet in it so I could take that. Now I have new carpet also!!! And take off your shoes please. The only draw back there is a bit of the new carpet smell, but that's a small price to pay.

The rest of my days have been pretty busy. Juggling work, the move, unpacking(yes still), running around buying all the crap I don't have, but think I need, settling in, oh, and carting my old man around after he just had cataract surgery. not so much a problem there, but the surgery is kind of a real quick little procedure and he lives way out of the way so... it just not a totally productive time for me. its pretty cool for him though. He had some bad, according to him, vision before, and now, mostly done with the surgery he's got 20/35 in one of his eyes, and still not done healing. the other eye was only just cut up, so tomorrow results will be available on that one, but if its anything like the last one it should be good, pretty amazing actually. I've known my old man to wear glasses all his life, and technically 20/35 doesn't require corrective lenses, so that is kind of a radical change; more for him than me, but still incredible.

I also went to the dentist recently. That was ok, considering I haven't been to the dentist in AGES. The last time was just to have tooth pulled, not even a cleaning, so really I haven't had anything done to my teeth in a very long time (bad Adam) and I came out pretty good. It was a new doctor to me, coming at the recommendation of a friend of mine, so I guess we have something else in common now!?!?!

OK, so I still need furniture for the apartment, and though I have champagne tastes, I need to save CA$H, and I don't expect to really keep much of it for the long run, so I'm planning to build much of it. I've been drawing some little plans of things and I should be able to make a few nice things for a decent price, I just need to find the time.

I'll just wrap this up with a little gripe; it's kind of the same problem I had at the last apartment and it's partly to do with my schedule, but FFS why can I not get a decent parking space close to my apartment. I mean in the case of the new place, why the heck do they assign parking permits if they just let people park willy nilly and leave cars parked in the same place for days....and days. I know I haven't been there very long, but is it to much to ask for a parking space in the same vicinity as my apartment. Currently I have to park all the way in the front of the office and walk the "block" or so to my apartment, but this is only because I work nights, if I got off work at a decent hour, I'd have a chance of getting a good spot, but then I'd lose it because I'm hardly home anyhow... I just think they should go ahead and assign parking spaces for each permit. In my previous residence you weren't allowed to leave cars sitting for a long time, and each person was only allowed to park one car nearest their apartment. That seemed a lot more fair to me; having to compete with everyone for a spot rather then people coming home at lunch and parking their dead car as close to their apartment as possible. Well, I do need the walking...

Well, Mr Lazy Pants.

Well now here I am, finally. I know you are all dying to know what I've been up to, so I'll try to be as detailed as possible, but it might have to start backwards.

Today I had an interview for a different contract, same company. I think it went pretty well and I even got a few "good answer"'s from the interviewers. Other than that I was dressed well, wore my newish FCUK suit, that I haven't gotten to wear anywhere until today. I know all the interviewers to some degree and really had a generally nice conversation. I'm glad for the interview, feel good about it, but really don't know if I might actually get it. I'm not betting on it, but am optimistic. Funny thing, I was asked, "what would your manager say about you and your work?" Not missing a beat and disregarding tact altogether I replied, "He doesn't have a clue." I didn't mean any disrespect to my manager, but I honestly have only seen him during scheduling difficulties and the occasional hallway greeting, so yes, it's true, he only knows that I do a timecard and work here...that isn't much.

I gave notice to my roommate that I'm moving out the first week of December. Thank goodness, I swear people stifle me in a general sort of way, but then again, I let'em right? N E Ways, I'm moving to a nice little one bedroom, in a nice area, near some friends and still in the same town. No more pets, no more roommate, no more roommates boyfriend, no more roommates boyfriends kid..... whew!!!

Today, technically Saturday, I picked up a package and got(the technically part) a new blazer/sport jacket/whatever-you-call-it. It's a nice black/navy with brown pinstripes, 100% wool! I guess the whole blazer thing is a bit last year/fall, but I am really taking to it and I think I look pretty good in them and I enjoy the compliments I've been getting, so...thats enough really, but also theres that I feel like it is just "me," as it were. No matter, I've bought several recently and like em a lot.

Sunday I just worked, all day, had to work 12 in order to get my vacation time this holiday, so it's worth it, but what a waste of a decent day. After that I went to see my girlfriend who I hadn't seen all weekend. I was able to talk to her about some stuff and though she didn't really have much to say, it was good for me and I think we made some kind of progress. For what it's worth; it seemed to me that she admitted she's as conflicted as I am... awesome! ha ha. I honestly think that no matter what, if people communicate about things it all comes out better, even if it doesn't go perfectly.

Saturday, I finished "rules of attraction," which is actually one of my favourite movies; NO, not for the baseness of it, but for the critique of the decline of romance. So the book was good, I dont' know if better than the movie, but had a lot more detail and completeness. It's the second book by the author I've read thus far, I intend on reading more of his stuff. Only a few days earlier I ripped through "less than zero," by the same author. I don't recall which book is next, but when I get it I'm sure I'll post about it. I picked up those two books when I went on Wednesday to pick up some pants I had altered, by my favourite tailor (Sook) and little did I know right across the street from her shop was the "Bent Page" bookstore. It's nice that the two are close by, but now I just need them in my neighborhood. Anyhow, I traded some other books I'd read; Gone with the Wind, Rastafari, and Naked Lunch.

Oh, that reminds me, I also finished a strange little book, strange that it was sent to me for some unknown reason, called Pro-Evo. It was interesting, expressed a few of my own beliefs, but not completely agreeable to me. I was more intrigued by the fact I actually got it(I think last month sometime) so I went ahead and googled it, kind of looking for people who got it or the origins of the thing. I was relieved I didn't find any weird cult or anything attached to it, but was surprised I didn't find more people talking about receiving it...

well, I'm gonna wrap this up for now. There's some other crap I've got to tell you, but I'm tiered of typing so ttfn.

The curse of sentimentality.

Today was the usual, I got up, got showered, went to work, met for coffee with my girlfriend, bought a yoga mat, went to the tailor, then went for lunch, which brings me to the sentimentality.

background: I grew up in a small town not far from here(Sad I know, but that's another conversation) This town and the neighboring towns are all kind of small and were even smaller at the time, so small that fast food restaurants were rare, still isn't one in my home town. I remember times as a kid when the family would go on road trips one of my favourite places to eat was A&W restaurants. I don't recall if there was one in the bigger towns near by, but I know when I got to go to one it was typically a long drive. My favourite one, I believe, was at Goldendale and we would stop there on the way to Portland. This one was the best because it was the type that had car service and door trays for your food. All awesome memories for me. So I always remember it being kind of a big deal to get to, and rare also.

Well, I don't know what happened over time, but A&W gradually went away and my favourite one I think is a McDonalds now? And, I don't remember the last time as a kid that I went to one, but I believe it was 2/3 years ago now that I went to the east coast to help a friend move back west(another, story there) and on the looooooooooooong drive back we stopped at one in Arkansas, on the I-40 I believe. That time was a bit not so good simply because the trip was a cannonball run back west here, but I got to go to one again. I'm not sure the marketing behind the whole A&W resurgence, but now we have one in my area which I can go to and have that whole sentimental reminder. Anyhow, all day I was cursed with the sentimental inclination that I needed to go. I did and it was good, not how I was growing up good, but still good. That reminds me of something I heard recently about eating and sex being the most pleasure producing acts a person can engage in, so, am I just subconsciously satisfying two pleasures? My sentimentality and enjoyment of the food? I don't really know about that, but I'm troubled because I want to create new, better memories, and I stress NEW.

I guess, really, those things we remember are the most important or significant, maybe, to us as individuals, right? Good or bad I suppose are just what we take from those memories. Still, I would enjoy creating new better, more significant memories, or better yet, ways for me to never be forgotten. Narcissist much? Everyday!

So much for diligence....(Sorry Jodi)

Ah, yes, well, I guess 3 whole days in a row is the best I can do...hmmmmmm. I think it is just that the things in my life aren't really any of your business, eh? ha ha, j/k. you know I love having you peruse my little blog, heh.

Ok, so then, I'm keeping busy, yay. The weekend was pretty much work, which isn't really work at all. I had a nice lunch Saturday with Jodi(thank you), and although late, it was still relaxing, and I remained dry, ;)
Funny thing, going back to a conversation I had at lunch, my Dad called me the next day to come help him with his computer. This isn't really a problem, kind of like to do it, but after a conversation with my sister tonight I'm starting to wonder about his mental health. Yeah, he's old and still pretty sharp, but helping him with computers; you have to understand, he made his living working on computers, and now he's asking me for help on some rather mundane things aswell. maybe he's being lazy, but sheesh, if 40 years of your life was spent doing a thing, wouldn't you remember it. Oh, you know, it just occurred to me that maybe its just patience. I know for myself sometime I just don't want to spend the time doing something so will abandon it for a while, so maybe that is kind of my dads philosophy combined with the fact that he knows me one of the family will help, and some of us feel more obligated than others(guilty).

What else exciting? I've started looking for a new roommate again... I don't need to move, but kind of would like to, and I could use the change. So, anyone living in the 99352 zip....

I mentioned I've been keeping myself busy, and I have. Work isn't really work, as I said, so I've been doing a lot of 'me' things while at work, particularly working out. Nothing too serious, just some aerobic exercise, weights, and I guess it would be labeled body building work. I've actually resolved to go ahead and bring in a yoga mat and do a few poses...that should keep me limber, eh? Also the big project I've been taking care of at work is my tape conversion project. This is time consuming and I'm particular about the whole process, and work gives me the time to do that, with little interruption and it doesn't get in the way of work. So, getting that mountainous project slowly but surely but faster than when I was doing it at my apartment. I've also been doing a second job for a friend of mines shop, got paid today, so thats extra cash!!!!(Always good) and I kind of like the work, also good but I don't want to do it the rest of my life.

I got a lot of things in this weekend, so that was nice, but I really need to stop ordering so much stuff: I ordered a blazer on Ebay, was relieved and impressed with how well it actually fits and looks, just need to have the sleeves let out a bit which I meant to do today, but the tailor was out... got a new battery for my phone cause the old one was acting silly and not holding a charge well, also the new battery has a larger charge, so should last even longer, how sweet is that!?!?!?! ha ha, how banal really. Also got a carbon fibre brush for my records, yep, nice and clean. Lastly, got a bunch of music in. to many to mention, but I will mention Ed Rush & Optical's latest release, a sort of live Drum & Bass project that I haven't listened all the way through, but sounds decent; also wanna mention the fabulous Logistics album 'Now more than ever' which is also Drum & Bass, for those of you who don't know, and it is very, very good.

now, aren't you happy I waited till now to vomit all this out on the screen, ha ha

Best to ya

3rd

Well now, this marks day three, consecutively, of myself writing about myself....How narcissistic eh? The day itself was decent, for a work day.... I worked at my buddies shop in the morning which was really boring, but better than a sharp stick in the eye. After that I went to the sporting goods store to get an 'ab wheel' cause I've got some free time at my regular job, so I've taken to working out there. I like that I am able to find some time to work out and get something more than just sitting there at my job, but really I'd prefer to actually learn something and make more progress professionally. Though, I do get some of my little organizational projects done while I'm there; plenty of time to study and the latest project has been converting my tapes(yes, tapes) to digital. This is a really time consuming little process, so with all the dead time at work...Well, lets just say another month of this and I should be tape free!!!! yay, something off my check-list. But it doesn't really make room for the 6 million other things I've added to the list, you know what I mean?

Ha, and I thought when I got done with college I'd have all this free time to devote to whatever I liked.... WRONG, it's still a huge juggling act to fit what I need to do and what I want to need to do all in. I've come to accept that there will never be enough time, but it sure is aggravating and it seems like all the things I want to need to do are getting eclipsed by all the 'need to do' things...

Sorry, it's gotten kind of late and I'm not thinking as clearly as I'd like for this so I'll leave it at this: I've been a bit concerned about a friend of mine who messaged me for coffee a few days back and so I called her and got voice mail. I said I would like to go said when a good time was and where, kind of left as a possibility... Well I never did here from her and didn't go, so I'm concerned that maybe she just thought I was going and she went but I wasn't there so now she's thinking I stiffed her.... I know, such a girl of me right? I'll just call her and set that all straight, duh?

2.

Welcome to # 2. This would be my second post...and in a consecutive fashion, oh my.

Yesterday was lax. The primary event of the day was studying and finishing the test for an exam I had yesterday. That was cake. I took the time to also make some new ringtones for my phone. I'm not a huge fan of Lil' Jon or anything, can't even say I'm remotely interested in his music, but the fact remains that when he screams "what," "Yeah," or "OK," it's pretty funny so I thought those would make hilarious ring tones. Took a while to find some good(ie ones without music, that are of high quality) audio clips of him. I found a bunch of the skits dave chapelle did, also funny, and finally found a few of strictly his voice.

Nothing else very productive.

I've been racking my brain about the whole marriage question...probably need to talk to other people more aobut it. But it seems like a lot of people around me are getting married and I'm starting to think critically about what the point of a relationship(as in dating) is and why people engage in them? It seems to me that the reason people get into relationships is to ultimately marry, and if that's the point... why do I even bother? I know I'm oversimplifying here, but if I'm not dating with a marriage goal, why am I dating? NE ways....

Watched Nip/Tuck last night...it was pretty good, but I felt it 'jumped the shark' a bit with the nanny/mother dynamic...I was disturbed.

Best,
X

This is the beginning

Ah, so I've gone back and forth with myself on this and I just can't decide if I've got anything really interesting enough to talk about on here. I'm really just planning on writing my thoughts and things and trying to keep it more as a journal and that sort of thing. Honestly though, I'm not normally very talkative with these sorts of things, but who knows. Maybe I'll open up...

The past couple of days memories of last summer have really been plaguing me. I'm not sure why really, I know it's impossible to forget, as much as I would like to. But also it just isn't productive, I'm not coming to any new revelations and I don't believe there are any to be found. It's just agrivating to keep having these memories that really are pointless to me.

Well, I guess this is a start, but I probably won't end up doing much with this, so don't hold your breath.

The picture you see here is by a recent favourite designer, Vault 49. Check it!

Best to ya,
X

good night bad times.

It’s been a while, since July-ish, and I still can’t stop thinking of that woman, I try to scream her out of my head but it doesn’t help. I keep thinking of how things were going, how I thought we were making progress, but when I look back at it all I see that I might have been making progress, but she and I weren’t together on it.

I feel like she robbed me of my happiness, she shattered my dream for us, but I guess that was it, just my dream for us, not our dream. But she didn’t let me in to talk to her, she was too busy with her friends, forgetting me in the process.

I feel like everything I own is a liability to me, preventing me from progressing to the point that I want to be at. I see all my possessions holding me back, holding me to this place, holding me back from advancing in life. I just need to cut everything loose, leave it all behind, completely, and get back to myself. I need to take the time to figure out what that is, who I am now, what I’ve become. I think to myself that I know what that is, but I’m not even certain if I’m not just lying to myself, fooling myself, wishful thinking, or if maybe it is the truth of who I am now. I know I just want out of this place, I want to see the world, I want to wander the world and find my place, find the place that feels right, that I can relax, that I can trust, that has opportunity for me. I just need to be alone for a long, long time.

I do wish, I wish that she and I could work out, that she could see her way back to us, but I don’t believe that will happen, so I’m trying to let go, but I just can’t get her out of my head and I am so sick of thinking about her, I just wish I could take a bullet to the head and clear her from my mind, every speck and memory. I wish eternal sunshine of the spotless mind were real and I could erase a selection of memories, but I would make sure we never meet again.

Down... down....down.

I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to do… I’m so sad, so mad, I feel so lost without your love. I want so bad to love someone like I loved you but I know I can’t do that right now, I don’t even feel like I can love again. I look at all the things around me that I’ve valued so long and now they just don’t matter, I know they have value in some way, but I don’t see it anymore; everything is just a burden on me now, things I have to take care of but I don’t care to, things that hold me to where I am and I don’t want to be here anymore. I try to make progress, make strides to get in a position to get away, but it just seems like I keep getting further and further behind. All I can figure is that I want to be good, I’ve can’t see my ambitions anymore, I don’t know what I’m trying for anymore, or why. I’m so piteous, such a fool I should have seen your deceit, hope I never see it again.

How it happened for me

Dearest Kenya,

Well, here I sit again, I still think of you, I still wonder what to do. I keep finding myself thinking of things that I wanted to do with you, all the plans that I thought we could enjoy together. I guess that's really part of the problem though, me thinking of things I want to do, thinking of them with you. Rather I should be thinking of the things you want to do...but what are those things? I get stuck thinking they are the same as mine, but I do know that isn't true, I mean, we just aren't the same person. I think we are close and we both would enjoy the things I suggest, but I know I need to be more receptive to your ideas. It never was as if I didn't want to do them, we just got caught in that cycle of that tit for tat crap; so here is how I think it started:

We both were in school, being very dedicated(which is good), the times that we got free were rare and typically didn't coincide(unfortunate), so I think here we both started to hurt a bit, but we knew we couldn't blame the other, so we just kept it to ourselves(probably wrong), then this just kept building up(bad). And I knew you had been spending time with Robert, time that I was envious of, that I wanted to share with you. But, I believed he was a good influence on you, he's smart, played chess, liked Nietzsche, and an academic; all these things in themselves meaningless, but to some degree good, and you loved getting to talk to him, you were so impressed by him... Yes, I was jealous of the relationship you had with him, just because I kept wishing we could spend that time together. So I was jealous and I was hurt. Then I felt like I tried to get time with you to do things, but there was always something; work, you had plans, etc. etc. I know I didn't try hard enough, but I also felt like you were needing space, I was convinced that with your sister at the house with the kids that we both needed time away, we just ended up not spending it together. Part of me thought this was ok, I mean, we used to always go off and do our own things then come back and be so focused on each other. But also part of me was hurting, we weren't coming back to each other and when we did there was something else...just a distance really(bad), but it was there. And we never really talked(really bad), so the distance grew and we both hurt(I think). And yes I did try to do something, not enough, but I was afraid to be to needy of you, so I would go to Sharis as often as I could, even sat in the smoking sections, just in case you and Sarah were to come by; I would get to see you, it would be a happy accident. But, as you know, we never ran into each other, and I just sat there, studying(not all bad), but at the same time I was disappointed I didn't see you, the sadness grew.... And I started not wanting to do things with you, and also not being able to try to find you. I have to admit I wasn't worried about my birthday, I knew you were in school, and I just don't care about my birthday the way you do... But I really just believed you needed the time to study, you always said you hated that geology class, “Rocks suck,” so I just thought you needed your time with that. Then times that you asked me to do things with you I resisted. I took that summer class and psyched myself out that it would be way harder and I made the mistake of taking a class I wasn't interested in, so I was trying for it but wasn't caring(bad of me). During that I kept going to Sharis, reading and studying, still hoping to bump into you, but never did... And so I finally got the chance to see John B, I thought you might really enjoy that, I believe you really enjoy going out to shows with me, and I knew it would be fun, just cause I was determined to have fun, with you. And I really thought we did, although I didn't like all my dinner and we had a little trouble at the restaurant, I really had a good time with you and thought the whole experience was good, it was just nice, although a bit of a whirlwind(bad because we needed to spend more time together). And I don't feel like I shut you out at the dinner, trying to explain my point, I just wanted to give myself time to really think it through, that thought; Thats a problem for me you see, I think a thought sometimes, think “hey, Kenya would have some good input on this,” but then you try to get really at what I'm thinking and I feel dumb cause that is all I'm thinking, I jump into the thought so we can work it out, but it gets all turned around and I don't feel like you like me for having an idea I can't completely vocalize. And at this time you had been spending time with Jared and Sarah, but I thought it was ok, just another guy who you would see through, find fault in, see how he didn't measure up or how he was just like all the rest of the people. I even thought it was less than that, like he was just a friend of Sarah's....The only time I really thought it was a problem was when you came home reeking of garlic, not that it was bad, but I was missing you and it irritated me that you came home so late, reeking and I couldn't get close to you...so I hurt again(more bad). And I still couldn't get close to you, you still were staying out late, staying away from me so I thought I could get your attention by sleeping on the floor, away from you, I thought, “if she doesn't want to be with me, then that's what she gets,” but thats not what I wanted for us, I just wanted us to spend time, together. But I still was trying to stay out late, I didn't know where you'd be, but I stayed in town, went to Sharis, tried to stay available, and still we never bumped into each other....and eventually you said you were going on to California, and I thought this would be good for you, that you'd come back and be ready to spend time with us. But then your sister said what she said, I started thinking about how you reacted to my joke...then I called to find out when you were coming back and hoping you'd have free time when you got back that we could do a little something, I asked to go to Sage. And you never called back, and the day got so late and I called to find out your plans, and when you said you were staying at your moms I felt like you were doing it to hurt me, it did, and you seemed short with me, so I asked, it seemed obvious, and I made the mistake of pushing you, making you answer instead of talking to me about it all, and now you won't/can't/don't, it's all gone... I wish we had another chance.

So that's it in a nutshell for me, not much else to report, I try to find out from anyone what's going on, what could have precipitate this, and all I find is the crap that everyone is supposed to tell you, “there's better people for you,” “she's not worth it,” “she'll come back,” “you're a great guy,” “it's her loss,” and all that sort of thing, but I still love you and none of this changes that or the promises I made to us...

I even went so far as to talk to Robert, trying to see if he knew anything, if you'd indicated anything and still all I find are more questions, more ambiguity... I still have hope, for some reason, but it's hard many times, I keep hearing all the love in songs and how it makes me feel about you and I search high and lo for pictures or some moments of our love. I really hope you can see your way back to us, I really believe that we are it, you are my end, but not a tragedy.

Losing Faith....

This letter was written a couple weeks after our break-up. I was all messed up, but here it is.

Dear Kenya,

Well, I’ve written quite a few letters so far and only mailed or got a few off to you…Why is that? Well, I just don’t want to be rash. You are very special to me, and I never wanted to lose you, it kills me that we are in this position. I am even more devastated by your ability to easily begin a new relationship with someone else. I wish I could ask you to just stop, to take some time and really consider everything that’s going on. I want you to know I really wanted to spend time with you every night, I really did stay out as late as I could, hoping you would get in touch with me so we could talk or do anything. And I really did trust that you were with Sarah.

I know I’ve done my own “infidelity,” for lack of a better term, but what you have done now is so much more. In the past I have been careless with my “love” and it feels to me like that is what you are doing now. My carelessness really was rare though, I have nearly always made love because I was in it. And, my infidelity while we were together, it is so different to me, I mean, oral sex lacks intimacy to me, has less meaning when a woman performs it on a man. I guess ultimately I feel it’s demeaning. So, when I did what I did with that girl, it had no value to me, I only received a physical pleasure from it along with a devastating blow to my conscience. But what you are doing now, I mean, that’s a part of love, a part of a relationship that you want to keep. And that really hurts, I don’t know how you can just go from a 6 year relationship to someone else and start it all over again with such seriousness. It leaves me cold and sick just thinking about it. I mean, what are you thinking??? Emotionally you aren’t even normal yet, are you? I can’t image trying to start a meaningful relationship with someone after leaving such a serious relationship…I guess it just comes down to what your goal is; to leave me. I suppose you believe we would try to work it all out and we might even, so you believe if you started something else, if you went far enough there would be no coming back… I hope this isn’t really how you feel, but it is my observation and it seems accurate, from here.

I really am confused Kenya, it hurts to think these things, to believe them and to see what you are doing. I’m so afraid that even if we got together again, how would we get past all this, would you ever say I’m the one again? If you did would I believe you? Would you even be happy?

The thing about that article is, I wish we could be doing those things together, trying to work those things out, making our relationship better. I really do believe that love conquers all, it’s crazy I know, but it’s possible, if we just let it. Yes, it makes me terribly nervous, makes me so nervous I would lie and say love doesn’t exist, but I know it, I’ve been living with it for 6 years, and I loved it, I thought we were so good, doing so well, getting what we needed until a time when our time was all ours, and we could be together, enjoying each other like we do. Sometime like now, this summer, with some free time, just being together like we enjoy, doing things we enjoy.

I’m so mad that you could just throw us away for some sweet words from a desperate man, I fucking hate you for this, you are being stupid. What has gotten into you that you can’t see the ways you have been manipulated by these people, was I suppose to marry you, how was I supposed to know when you wouldn’t even talk to me. What happened that I’m not even your best friend, that you couldn’t even tell me your misgivings, your doubts. It’s like you orchestrated this so your mind couldn’t be changed.

And I don’t want to be like Chantelle and Joe, where, when your other relationships don’t work you try with me, but always in the back of your mind planning your next out. And I don’t want to be like Joel, someone who confides in your family, and your family mostly likes, but never having the pleasure of your company. I almost think this must be a game to you; you know I’ll be here waiting for you, so it is safe to go screw up, and fuck around because “Adam loves me, no matter what,” and “Adam believes in us, and wants us to work,” so while I pine away, hoping that you’ll come around, that you’ll see what’s really going on, you go and have your little trysts because the emotional support you’ll be needing is always going to be there…Well, it won’t. I am so convoluted right now, filled with hope, hate, love, spite, anger, frustration, and when it all finally does get worked out, I’ll probably just end up hating you, like all the rest... and for that I’ll be sad.

Troubling post from way back

Still not doing so well at keeping this journal up to date, but what can I do? School is out for the winter break! My car is in the shop, the timing belt broke on it and bent a few of the valves. I’ve been working on it myself, but it’s taken a long time. I took the head off and took it to the Napa machine shop who said they could fix it for 300.00 or so. That is better than the rate I was finding, but I’m skeptical.

Nothing else is going on. I have no money and can’t afford to go anywhere. I only have my dads truck, and don’t want to drive that anywhere. And there really isn’t that much to do anyhow.

Kenya and her sister have moved in, since November 1, and it’s been ok. The boys are a handful and really annoying. They incessantly ask questions or talk with no purpose. They are to clingy and such momma’s boys that I find myself getting pissed just hearing them. I haven’t gotten to hang out with Kenya at all and I don’t miss it. Every time we talk she is a bitch to me and I don’t have the patience to deal with that. I know I haven’t done anything wrong and don’t understand what is going on between her and I but I am about sick of it. If things were different, her sister wasn’t here, …

I feel like she is testing me to see if I’ll break. I won’t. My father has been a dick to me off and on, nothing new there. I feel like he is testing me also. If he weren’t helping me with school I would tell him to fuck off also. I am not going to tell him so much any more. My business is mine.

I feel like the DUI classes have made me weaker also. I just need to keep on keeping on and I’ll be ok.

I seriously feel like the relationship between Kenya and I is in a bad place right now, though. And I never feel like I get to be me, Ever.

September 2004

Ok, so so so, yes it has been forever since I actually sat down and wrote a bit about whats going on in my life, so here we go again. I won’t make any promises to do a large amount of writing or keep at it regularly, but I will try to do it at all. I don’t recall the last time I wrote something, but a lot has happened no matter how long it’s been. I finished my AA back in June. I received honors. Still my GPA was not as high as I would have liked it to be. I continued to take cs109 over the summer and got stuck with an instructor who was absolutely horrible. I’ll never take a class from him again in my life, if I can get away with it. I finished that class the same day I had my last day at the Red Lion. It was a really good day. Only down side was that I was looking forward to the week off between that Friday the 13th and the 23rd when I would have to start class at WSU again. That week was ruined by Thursday the 12th when I was called by LM and offered an internship starting the following Monday. I’ve been really trying to get out in the area, so I jumped at the chance.

So instead of relaxing for a week and getting some house work done I ended up spending about 30 hours training and jumping through all the HR new hire hoops. But it’s worth it. I am now badged, working semi regular hours, paid decent, and learning a bit. I say semi regular hours because I am on the graveyard shift, but it isn’t so bad as I actually get 30 hours and it is totally geared around my class schedule!

Yes class! I am now going to WSU. My father has agreed to help me a lot and I have received a lot of financial aid so I didn’t have to work, but when this opportunity came along I just couldn’t pass it up. My classes are busy, and I actually dropped one, but I think it was the best thing to do at the moment because I was really having to do a lot of writing and I just don’t really want to. In fact I am a bit sick of the major I am in at the moment and will probably be seeking something else as long as I can get it done as soon as this one that I have chosen.

Although I did drop a course at WSU I went ahead and picked up one at CBC for CS 122 which is the second half of the CS109 course. It is all PC hardware and I am hoping it will prepare me for A+ certification, but who knows. Otherwise it is just keeping that side of my career active. I am seeing more and more how much I prefer to work on computers over everything else. It’s a bit early to tell yet how classes are going, I haven’t started the CS course and not to terribly much has happened in the WSU classes, just a paper due every week for one class and lots of reading for the other two. That’s going ok and the writings can be resubmitted until we are satisfied with the grade or I don’t know, he’s sick of seeing it?

In other news apparently Kenyas’ sister has decided she would like to move out to the house with her boys. I think it will be good for the boys, there is a lot they can do and build up their character and just get them out a bit more. I think it will be good for Chanelle, she says she is trying to save money and I’m not charging an arm and a leg, so it shouldn’t be to bad. I get along with Chanelle and Kenya and I are doing pretty good right now, so if we just keep busy things should go nicely. I just have to keep the boys out of my things.

The fact is I need to organize my things. I got things that need to be gotten rid of, things to put in order, and just plain pick up some things and get it in order. There is a lot I could do, but I am still a poor college student and I keep blowing my money on records and computer gadgets, so maybe I could reel that in, but I keep thinking I have, but maybe I haven’t. I’m almost down to just having the debt I owe my father, my car, and financial aid left to pay on, so I am glad about that. It seems like a lot, but considering the rates they charge on credit cards it is good. Shouldn’t be long now. Well this has been a long night so I think I’ll let it go at that, maybe more later, but who knows.