good night bad times.

It’s been a while, since July-ish, and I still can’t stop thinking of that woman, I try to scream her out of my head but it doesn’t help. I keep thinking of how things were going, how I thought we were making progress, but when I look back at it all I see that I might have been making progress, but she and I weren’t together on it.

I feel like she robbed me of my happiness, she shattered my dream for us, but I guess that was it, just my dream for us, not our dream. But she didn’t let me in to talk to her, she was too busy with her friends, forgetting me in the process.

I feel like everything I own is a liability to me, preventing me from progressing to the point that I want to be at. I see all my possessions holding me back, holding me to this place, holding me back from advancing in life. I just need to cut everything loose, leave it all behind, completely, and get back to myself. I need to take the time to figure out what that is, who I am now, what I’ve become. I think to myself that I know what that is, but I’m not even certain if I’m not just lying to myself, fooling myself, wishful thinking, or if maybe it is the truth of who I am now. I know I just want out of this place, I want to see the world, I want to wander the world and find my place, find the place that feels right, that I can relax, that I can trust, that has opportunity for me. I just need to be alone for a long, long time.

I do wish, I wish that she and I could work out, that she could see her way back to us, but I don’t believe that will happen, so I’m trying to let go, but I just can’t get her out of my head and I am so sick of thinking about her, I just wish I could take a bullet to the head and clear her from my mind, every speck and memory. I wish eternal sunshine of the spotless mind were real and I could erase a selection of memories, but I would make sure we never meet again.

Down... down....down.

I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to do… I’m so sad, so mad, I feel so lost without your love. I want so bad to love someone like I loved you but I know I can’t do that right now, I don’t even feel like I can love again. I look at all the things around me that I’ve valued so long and now they just don’t matter, I know they have value in some way, but I don’t see it anymore; everything is just a burden on me now, things I have to take care of but I don’t care to, things that hold me to where I am and I don’t want to be here anymore. I try to make progress, make strides to get in a position to get away, but it just seems like I keep getting further and further behind. All I can figure is that I want to be good, I’ve can’t see my ambitions anymore, I don’t know what I’m trying for anymore, or why. I’m so piteous, such a fool I should have seen your deceit, hope I never see it again.

How it happened for me

Dearest Kenya,

Well, here I sit again, I still think of you, I still wonder what to do. I keep finding myself thinking of things that I wanted to do with you, all the plans that I thought we could enjoy together. I guess that's really part of the problem though, me thinking of things I want to do, thinking of them with you. Rather I should be thinking of the things you want to do...but what are those things? I get stuck thinking they are the same as mine, but I do know that isn't true, I mean, we just aren't the same person. I think we are close and we both would enjoy the things I suggest, but I know I need to be more receptive to your ideas. It never was as if I didn't want to do them, we just got caught in that cycle of that tit for tat crap; so here is how I think it started:

We both were in school, being very dedicated(which is good), the times that we got free were rare and typically didn't coincide(unfortunate), so I think here we both started to hurt a bit, but we knew we couldn't blame the other, so we just kept it to ourselves(probably wrong), then this just kept building up(bad). And I knew you had been spending time with Robert, time that I was envious of, that I wanted to share with you. But, I believed he was a good influence on you, he's smart, played chess, liked Nietzsche, and an academic; all these things in themselves meaningless, but to some degree good, and you loved getting to talk to him, you were so impressed by him... Yes, I was jealous of the relationship you had with him, just because I kept wishing we could spend that time together. So I was jealous and I was hurt. Then I felt like I tried to get time with you to do things, but there was always something; work, you had plans, etc. etc. I know I didn't try hard enough, but I also felt like you were needing space, I was convinced that with your sister at the house with the kids that we both needed time away, we just ended up not spending it together. Part of me thought this was ok, I mean, we used to always go off and do our own things then come back and be so focused on each other. But also part of me was hurting, we weren't coming back to each other and when we did there was something else...just a distance really(bad), but it was there. And we never really talked(really bad), so the distance grew and we both hurt(I think). And yes I did try to do something, not enough, but I was afraid to be to needy of you, so I would go to Sharis as often as I could, even sat in the smoking sections, just in case you and Sarah were to come by; I would get to see you, it would be a happy accident. But, as you know, we never ran into each other, and I just sat there, studying(not all bad), but at the same time I was disappointed I didn't see you, the sadness grew.... And I started not wanting to do things with you, and also not being able to try to find you. I have to admit I wasn't worried about my birthday, I knew you were in school, and I just don't care about my birthday the way you do... But I really just believed you needed the time to study, you always said you hated that geology class, “Rocks suck,” so I just thought you needed your time with that. Then times that you asked me to do things with you I resisted. I took that summer class and psyched myself out that it would be way harder and I made the mistake of taking a class I wasn't interested in, so I was trying for it but wasn't caring(bad of me). During that I kept going to Sharis, reading and studying, still hoping to bump into you, but never did... And so I finally got the chance to see John B, I thought you might really enjoy that, I believe you really enjoy going out to shows with me, and I knew it would be fun, just cause I was determined to have fun, with you. And I really thought we did, although I didn't like all my dinner and we had a little trouble at the restaurant, I really had a good time with you and thought the whole experience was good, it was just nice, although a bit of a whirlwind(bad because we needed to spend more time together). And I don't feel like I shut you out at the dinner, trying to explain my point, I just wanted to give myself time to really think it through, that thought; Thats a problem for me you see, I think a thought sometimes, think “hey, Kenya would have some good input on this,” but then you try to get really at what I'm thinking and I feel dumb cause that is all I'm thinking, I jump into the thought so we can work it out, but it gets all turned around and I don't feel like you like me for having an idea I can't completely vocalize. And at this time you had been spending time with Jared and Sarah, but I thought it was ok, just another guy who you would see through, find fault in, see how he didn't measure up or how he was just like all the rest of the people. I even thought it was less than that, like he was just a friend of Sarah's....The only time I really thought it was a problem was when you came home reeking of garlic, not that it was bad, but I was missing you and it irritated me that you came home so late, reeking and I couldn't get close to you...so I hurt again(more bad). And I still couldn't get close to you, you still were staying out late, staying away from me so I thought I could get your attention by sleeping on the floor, away from you, I thought, “if she doesn't want to be with me, then that's what she gets,” but thats not what I wanted for us, I just wanted us to spend time, together. But I still was trying to stay out late, I didn't know where you'd be, but I stayed in town, went to Sharis, tried to stay available, and still we never bumped into each other....and eventually you said you were going on to California, and I thought this would be good for you, that you'd come back and be ready to spend time with us. But then your sister said what she said, I started thinking about how you reacted to my joke...then I called to find out when you were coming back and hoping you'd have free time when you got back that we could do a little something, I asked to go to Sage. And you never called back, and the day got so late and I called to find out your plans, and when you said you were staying at your moms I felt like you were doing it to hurt me, it did, and you seemed short with me, so I asked, it seemed obvious, and I made the mistake of pushing you, making you answer instead of talking to me about it all, and now you won't/can't/don't, it's all gone... I wish we had another chance.

So that's it in a nutshell for me, not much else to report, I try to find out from anyone what's going on, what could have precipitate this, and all I find is the crap that everyone is supposed to tell you, “there's better people for you,” “she's not worth it,” “she'll come back,” “you're a great guy,” “it's her loss,” and all that sort of thing, but I still love you and none of this changes that or the promises I made to us...

I even went so far as to talk to Robert, trying to see if he knew anything, if you'd indicated anything and still all I find are more questions, more ambiguity... I still have hope, for some reason, but it's hard many times, I keep hearing all the love in songs and how it makes me feel about you and I search high and lo for pictures or some moments of our love. I really hope you can see your way back to us, I really believe that we are it, you are my end, but not a tragedy.

Losing Faith....

This letter was written a couple weeks after our break-up. I was all messed up, but here it is.

Dear Kenya,

Well, I’ve written quite a few letters so far and only mailed or got a few off to you…Why is that? Well, I just don’t want to be rash. You are very special to me, and I never wanted to lose you, it kills me that we are in this position. I am even more devastated by your ability to easily begin a new relationship with someone else. I wish I could ask you to just stop, to take some time and really consider everything that’s going on. I want you to know I really wanted to spend time with you every night, I really did stay out as late as I could, hoping you would get in touch with me so we could talk or do anything. And I really did trust that you were with Sarah.

I know I’ve done my own “infidelity,” for lack of a better term, but what you have done now is so much more. In the past I have been careless with my “love” and it feels to me like that is what you are doing now. My carelessness really was rare though, I have nearly always made love because I was in it. And, my infidelity while we were together, it is so different to me, I mean, oral sex lacks intimacy to me, has less meaning when a woman performs it on a man. I guess ultimately I feel it’s demeaning. So, when I did what I did with that girl, it had no value to me, I only received a physical pleasure from it along with a devastating blow to my conscience. But what you are doing now, I mean, that’s a part of love, a part of a relationship that you want to keep. And that really hurts, I don’t know how you can just go from a 6 year relationship to someone else and start it all over again with such seriousness. It leaves me cold and sick just thinking about it. I mean, what are you thinking??? Emotionally you aren’t even normal yet, are you? I can’t image trying to start a meaningful relationship with someone after leaving such a serious relationship…I guess it just comes down to what your goal is; to leave me. I suppose you believe we would try to work it all out and we might even, so you believe if you started something else, if you went far enough there would be no coming back… I hope this isn’t really how you feel, but it is my observation and it seems accurate, from here.

I really am confused Kenya, it hurts to think these things, to believe them and to see what you are doing. I’m so afraid that even if we got together again, how would we get past all this, would you ever say I’m the one again? If you did would I believe you? Would you even be happy?

The thing about that article is, I wish we could be doing those things together, trying to work those things out, making our relationship better. I really do believe that love conquers all, it’s crazy I know, but it’s possible, if we just let it. Yes, it makes me terribly nervous, makes me so nervous I would lie and say love doesn’t exist, but I know it, I’ve been living with it for 6 years, and I loved it, I thought we were so good, doing so well, getting what we needed until a time when our time was all ours, and we could be together, enjoying each other like we do. Sometime like now, this summer, with some free time, just being together like we enjoy, doing things we enjoy.

I’m so mad that you could just throw us away for some sweet words from a desperate man, I fucking hate you for this, you are being stupid. What has gotten into you that you can’t see the ways you have been manipulated by these people, was I suppose to marry you, how was I supposed to know when you wouldn’t even talk to me. What happened that I’m not even your best friend, that you couldn’t even tell me your misgivings, your doubts. It’s like you orchestrated this so your mind couldn’t be changed.

And I don’t want to be like Chantelle and Joe, where, when your other relationships don’t work you try with me, but always in the back of your mind planning your next out. And I don’t want to be like Joel, someone who confides in your family, and your family mostly likes, but never having the pleasure of your company. I almost think this must be a game to you; you know I’ll be here waiting for you, so it is safe to go screw up, and fuck around because “Adam loves me, no matter what,” and “Adam believes in us, and wants us to work,” so while I pine away, hoping that you’ll come around, that you’ll see what’s really going on, you go and have your little trysts because the emotional support you’ll be needing is always going to be there…Well, it won’t. I am so convoluted right now, filled with hope, hate, love, spite, anger, frustration, and when it all finally does get worked out, I’ll probably just end up hating you, like all the rest... and for that I’ll be sad.

Troubling post from way back

Still not doing so well at keeping this journal up to date, but what can I do? School is out for the winter break! My car is in the shop, the timing belt broke on it and bent a few of the valves. I’ve been working on it myself, but it’s taken a long time. I took the head off and took it to the Napa machine shop who said they could fix it for 300.00 or so. That is better than the rate I was finding, but I’m skeptical.

Nothing else is going on. I have no money and can’t afford to go anywhere. I only have my dads truck, and don’t want to drive that anywhere. And there really isn’t that much to do anyhow.

Kenya and her sister have moved in, since November 1, and it’s been ok. The boys are a handful and really annoying. They incessantly ask questions or talk with no purpose. They are to clingy and such momma’s boys that I find myself getting pissed just hearing them. I haven’t gotten to hang out with Kenya at all and I don’t miss it. Every time we talk she is a bitch to me and I don’t have the patience to deal with that. I know I haven’t done anything wrong and don’t understand what is going on between her and I but I am about sick of it. If things were different, her sister wasn’t here, …

I feel like she is testing me to see if I’ll break. I won’t. My father has been a dick to me off and on, nothing new there. I feel like he is testing me also. If he weren’t helping me with school I would tell him to fuck off also. I am not going to tell him so much any more. My business is mine.

I feel like the DUI classes have made me weaker also. I just need to keep on keeping on and I’ll be ok.

I seriously feel like the relationship between Kenya and I is in a bad place right now, though. And I never feel like I get to be me, Ever.

September 2004

Ok, so so so, yes it has been forever since I actually sat down and wrote a bit about whats going on in my life, so here we go again. I won’t make any promises to do a large amount of writing or keep at it regularly, but I will try to do it at all. I don’t recall the last time I wrote something, but a lot has happened no matter how long it’s been. I finished my AA back in June. I received honors. Still my GPA was not as high as I would have liked it to be. I continued to take cs109 over the summer and got stuck with an instructor who was absolutely horrible. I’ll never take a class from him again in my life, if I can get away with it. I finished that class the same day I had my last day at the Red Lion. It was a really good day. Only down side was that I was looking forward to the week off between that Friday the 13th and the 23rd when I would have to start class at WSU again. That week was ruined by Thursday the 12th when I was called by LM and offered an internship starting the following Monday. I’ve been really trying to get out in the area, so I jumped at the chance.

So instead of relaxing for a week and getting some house work done I ended up spending about 30 hours training and jumping through all the HR new hire hoops. But it’s worth it. I am now badged, working semi regular hours, paid decent, and learning a bit. I say semi regular hours because I am on the graveyard shift, but it isn’t so bad as I actually get 30 hours and it is totally geared around my class schedule!

Yes class! I am now going to WSU. My father has agreed to help me a lot and I have received a lot of financial aid so I didn’t have to work, but when this opportunity came along I just couldn’t pass it up. My classes are busy, and I actually dropped one, but I think it was the best thing to do at the moment because I was really having to do a lot of writing and I just don’t really want to. In fact I am a bit sick of the major I am in at the moment and will probably be seeking something else as long as I can get it done as soon as this one that I have chosen.

Although I did drop a course at WSU I went ahead and picked up one at CBC for CS 122 which is the second half of the CS109 course. It is all PC hardware and I am hoping it will prepare me for A+ certification, but who knows. Otherwise it is just keeping that side of my career active. I am seeing more and more how much I prefer to work on computers over everything else. It’s a bit early to tell yet how classes are going, I haven’t started the CS course and not to terribly much has happened in the WSU classes, just a paper due every week for one class and lots of reading for the other two. That’s going ok and the writings can be resubmitted until we are satisfied with the grade or I don’t know, he’s sick of seeing it?

In other news apparently Kenyas’ sister has decided she would like to move out to the house with her boys. I think it will be good for the boys, there is a lot they can do and build up their character and just get them out a bit more. I think it will be good for Chanelle, she says she is trying to save money and I’m not charging an arm and a leg, so it shouldn’t be to bad. I get along with Chanelle and Kenya and I are doing pretty good right now, so if we just keep busy things should go nicely. I just have to keep the boys out of my things.

The fact is I need to organize my things. I got things that need to be gotten rid of, things to put in order, and just plain pick up some things and get it in order. There is a lot I could do, but I am still a poor college student and I keep blowing my money on records and computer gadgets, so maybe I could reel that in, but I keep thinking I have, but maybe I haven’t. I’m almost down to just having the debt I owe my father, my car, and financial aid left to pay on, so I am glad about that. It seems like a lot, but considering the rates they charge on credit cards it is good. Shouldn’t be long now. Well this has been a long night so I think I’ll let it go at that, maybe more later, but who knows.

OK, so I finally finished school yesterday. My last final and I think I did well. So now what indeed? I’ve not had very much time to do much of anything other than work and school, so now is going to be a good time for doing that. I’ve made plans to go rafting with my sister on Sunday and I want to do some things around the house in order to just keep things tidy there. I also need to see what I can do about spending less money. Oh oh I can’t forget to really pursue financial aid and the job connection that my brother gave me. I am hopeful for it, but also Kenya's birthday is soon so I hope to do something wonderful for her.

First note on new computer

I JUST GOT THIS NEW DAMN COMPUTER AND IT IS REALLY NICE BUT IT HAS ONE PROBLEM…. MICROSOFT WINDOWS. WHAT A CRAPPY OS, OH WELL, IT IS REALLY FUNCTIONAL BECAUSE EVERY WHERE YOU GO THEY HAVE IT, AND THAT MAKES IT CONVIENIENT, BUT I REALLY WOULD RATHER HAVE SOMETHING DIFFERENT. ANY HOW, MY NEW COMPUTER, B.........!!!! WE’RE GONNA GET SUPER GRADES, IF ONLY YOU COULD DO THE WORK FOR ME, HA HA. RIGHT SO, TALK TO YOU LATER.

Old Post 07/31/02

7/31/02
ok, I know I started this a long time ago, and I do really intend on keeping up with it, it’s just that I procrastinate and just end up making myself busier….I really need to work on that. So the whole reason I started this is for several reasons really, one being that I think it is a good Idea, I believe it nurtures thinking in a more focused and directed manner, it is good practice for my keyboarding skills which are rather lacking, and on the suggestion of my current instructor. He is the instructor at cbc who teaches Technical Writing 205. I took this class hoping to gain a new skill, but it doesn’t’ really seem that I will as I don’t feel that I am learning much from my instructor. Oh, shit, well I didn’t got to bed last night, and as I sit here I am really getting tired, so I will leave it here now…sorry.

Old Post 07/09/02

July 09, 02

I have a really good topic for today…one I could probably write on all night, but, lets just try to get some of my main points on it.
REALITY, yes, “there’s something out there, it’s called reality,” “there is still no such thing as reality,” etc. etc. I can’t recall all of the different lyrics from drum and bass about it, but the one I like the most is “there is still no such thing as reality.” I really have to believe that. I tend to lean toward the idea that reality is what we perceive, and we can manipulate that perception in ourselves and others to a lesser degree. Lets say color for instance; why is red, red, or blue, blue etc etc. Because we have been told they are, so we know the name to associate with it, I guess this really comes down to name calling for this point, and what causes our perception of red is the light hitting the back of our eyes. So maybe something more abstract. Like speed. We know it is fast when the speedometer tells us that it is, so is it still when we don’t even know how fast we are going. Our senses may tell us that the ground is moving by faster, but we could train to be used to that, so it wouldn’t really be perceived as fast over all. But speed is really measured in time, so if it takes a shorter time, is it more descript to say it was fast, or it was shorter. I guess the context really is what we need to focus on, but the context is another basis of our reality, or lack of. But I don’t think I’ve really captured my idea on reality here at all. So maybe we know something is real, but why. Because we have told ourselves it is, or it has been told to us so much that we have been brainwashed to see most things as reality. Again I am having trouble making much of a point on this, probably because reality is so relative to the individual. What make a person feel hate, they perceive something negative or wrong from someone so they are inclined to spark this reality for them, while their perception itself is a projection of their perceived reality.

I seem to really be having trouble trying to make any point regarding this, so I will try more later, but I need to try to get out my thoughts, so...

If we can manipulate our reality so that certain things are perceived by us in one manner or another, then we should be able to manipulate all of our perceptions so that they fit a different or more perfect reality. Like for instance, those damn blind taste tests. I bet that without the sense of taste and smell most things would taste like one another until you know what it was. Like tonight I brought home some Gatorade clear and I have three different varieties. So I have all three in the fridge label-less and when I drink one I really don’t know what flavor it is supposed to be, but I can get a bit of and idea?

Old Post 07/07/02

7/7/02

ok, so I haven’t quite gotten on top of the whole doing this everyday, but I really have trouble getting things done everyday. But anyhow…
I haven’t really thought of a topic to talk about , so let me suggest school. School is going ok so far, I seem to be enjoying it. But what I really need to talk about is the whole money thing. I just picked up an application for FAFSA. Which I really do intend on doing, I even think I could probably get a bit of money for school and everything. Cousin Tom really convinced me to go and get it, him and the fact that I can’t afford anything anymore so I am really worried about that. I mean I can’t make enough at work, can’t seem to find a better job, and can’t get to a point in class that is going to get me a better job yet.
I am really quite motivated to finish up with class, more just so I can leave my crappy job and start not having to worry so much about my money. And that seems to be the only thing I really do worry about. I have been pretty protective of my GPA and actually doing good in most of these classes so I am hoping that it will pay off soon. I guess really I don’t have a whole lot to say about school. Just I am glad that I have the chance to, that my boss is good about letting me go, and that I really want to do well with it. I just really need more time and to put in more effort.

Old Entry 7/04/02

July 04, 02

So. This would be the beginning of a little journal I am trying to start writing. Not so late, but late never the less. My girlfriend suggested that I should write about procrastination, but I would like to save that for later. I guess what I would like to write and keep is the thoughts I got from this magazine I saw today.

The magazine is called ADBUSTERS and the few issues I have seen seem right up my ally. But in this issue in particular they were doing an article about the give up tv week and someone had been asked why they actually gave up tv? Their answer is what struck me. They said something like “we wanted to see what would happen to us, to see what would happen if we weren’t exposed to media.” Now that is just cool, cause I mean, how does media affect us? We are constantly bombarded by it, no matter what, the labels, the magazines, the newspapers, signs, etc. etc. I feel like everything that isn’t blank is media that is affecting you in some way. But what would happen if that was gone. I’m afraid that it would mean that more people would go around imitating each other, but I am hopeful that it would mean that people would really think about more things. Hopefully it would make people less inclined to spend money (I think for me it would). As the saying goes out of sight out of mind, right? But lets not dismiss this so easily. Why is that, how does our sight(if it is just sight) have such power over us? And is it really sight that has the power of the images, or the ideas created by the images. I’ll use myself as I probably know myself better than anyone, but I would have to say it is the ideas create by the images. I know when I hear about new records/music I get this image in my mind of myself giving people a good time or on some level bringing them some better understanding through me creating a “comfort zone” in their mind. And that really is it, I just think of myself as some person at the center of attention somehow making things better for people.

But back to the ad busters, what would happen if I had never been given that image? Would I still be me? I like to think I would still like jungle, but how much of your “self” is over ridden by these images and ideas that society has prescribed for us. I would have to say probably a lot, judging from all the ways I seem to feel I can’t live with out all my “things.” Lets classify these a moment: food – most of it I do need so we can’t really say much but there is a lot to say about my eating habits. Then there is air – that’s a no brainer. A roof – well that’s really debatable, but society requires it. Same for clothes also. So then there is everything else. Oh boy is there everything else.

So there is the x files. Yeah I know a bit dorky, but if you get right down to it; it is 2 things, one I want to believe (or I even do) not so much in the show, but the premise. Then there is I like how it makes me feel. It pleases the believer in me and makes me think that there may not be a higher calling or anything, but there is something more to everything.

I’m gonna stop here, but I will try to explore this more in the future.

London New Year 2001/2002

We stayed for two weeks it was a wonderful trip!

I don’t remember what day Kenya and I left, I just remember it was early in Seattle and security was tight. Kenya and I were tired, so we didn’t talk to many people, but mentioned London to a few people and they said it was great. Of course they all had British accents. Anyhow, only had one lay over which was enough to see the terminal in DC and get to the next gate. Then the looooooong flight over the Atlantic. It was nice to arrive in London pretty early in the day, but I had to shower and everything before I felt I could really go out. One thing we liked to try and do though is go out and do something, anything right when we get somewhere. None of this "let me get my wits about me" or rest up, just go go go. So got freshened up, changed clothes and straight to Victoria station. This is the most major and central train station in London. I think every train in England must stop there. It is so much different than what we have in America. The only thing similar could be Grand Central, but Victoria, like all the train stations is pretty much open air, as there is a roof and everything, but you go into the station and can walk directly to a train. So, you go into the station and it isn’t much warmer than outside as it is open air, immediately you hear the clicking of those reader boards that are black and fluorescent. So, you hear that and all the people are looking up and this thing is massive. Comparable to the screen in Times Square but longer. Like Times Square it shows news and other media too. So we go to the tourist authority, now I wouldn’t suggest it in the states, but these people are awesome. They are very knowledgeable, pretty nice, and can get most everything. We went for tube passes. Pay some 35 pounds and you can ride the tube almost everywhere in whichever zone. This is like metro pass, but it has your picture and you have to pay according to how many zones you intend on crossing. Most people only really need zone one(central London). This got us to the End, fabric, and Coliseum quite easily, but the cabs are great to.

We were hungry from the flight, so we ducked in to a little café and grabbed a bite and a spot of coffee. I wasn't much of a coffee drinker, but it was cheaper than soda and we figured it couldn’t hurt. It helped warm me up anyway. From Victoria station we started walking around taking everything in, can’t really remember anything that struck me as very interesting, but we did find out a thing or two about places that we did want to go. British museum, the high streets, train to Stonehenge etc. etc. Another thing we liked to do when traveling is find the local grocery stores so we can at least attempt to not look like a complete tourist. Our hotel was located right next to the tube, and a market, so I was pretty happy with that. Also the hotel had a breakfast buffet which was absolutely perfect. The continental breakfast you get there is so much more than you would ever expect…lets just say I don’t think we ate as well for breakfast since we quit breast feeding.

Kenya and I go to the grocery and it is really interesting. First everything is metric, which is nice if you have an idea of the quantities, but the best thing is they sell liquor in the grocery stores (we don’t do that in Washington). Anyhow, just bought the toiletries I didn’t bring and some things for the fridge in the room (read PEPSI). Probably went to bed pretty early since we just got off the plane and were tired.

Next day we went to the high streets. The high streets are something like fifth avenue, but there are several different areas and other weird shopping places along the way. I guess we weren’t to impressed with the high streets because we didn’t buy a thing there, but I managed to go to most of the record stores. Namely HMV, Virgin, and Blackmarket. HMV was pretty much like any music store, just floors and floors of music, and probably more records then most. Certainly more than the ones here, as they don’t exist. Virgin was the same, but they had an internet café that was pretty handy for me to keep in touch with everyone back home (should have started blagging back then). Anyhow, the one I really cared about was Blackmarket; it is kind of funny, but you still find that drum and bass is kind of pushed off to the side. After getting lost trying to find it in those messy streets (the streets really are quite confusing) We do find it and head immediately downstairs to the drum and bass. Apparently they were just opening because who is there, none other then Nickey Blackmarket, shook his hand, told where we were from and spoke a bit. Nice guy, said he liked playing in Seattle. Anyhow I was really there for the records so I asked for the white labels. Well I did get a few, but apparently from about mid November to mid January all the presses shut down and NO new records are made. Bad timing for me, but I was able to score a few nice pieces and I met Nickey Blackmarket. Probably could have stayed around all day, but wanted to see more of London and I knew Kenya wouldn't have that. Went down to Waterloo international to find out about taking the Chunnel to Paris, but after pricing it and not knowing a lick of French except to say “do you want to sleep/study with me tonight” we decided it would be better to stick to what we already planned. Got our tickets to go to Stonehenge and went walking around again; Nothing striking.

The next two days were Christmas and boxing day, holidays I didn’t have any special feelings for, but the British sure do. The only things open are restaurants that are foreign, mostly Indian and Chinese foods. Not bad. I had the best Chinese food in my life at one place. Super nice, great service, great food, so good that we went back before we left for the states. So yeah boring days, we went walking around as the tube was even closed, but got to see many sights. Took lots of pictures. Christmas turned out to be really sunny, but cold, so dressed warm and walked around Hyde Park. Really nice days all around, just not much to do when everything is closed. Boxing day was another shopping day, found a few nice places but didn’t get anything. We went to the Dr. Martins store, that was very cool, I don’t wear docs, but if I did…and found some cool drum and bass oriented clothing shops, but our best find on this day was the Dockers store. We bought the coolest pair of Dockers I have ever seen. I love those pants so much I can hardly wear them, they are really cool(F5’s anyone). If you talk to the managers you can talk them down on everything. Naturally we did a bit. Kind of nice since it isn’t such a common practice in the states, and fun to, I guess a bit of a game really. Kenya felt we could have talked them down further…

Next day was pretty long, got up EARLY (4.00) to make the earliest train to Salisbury, where the Stonehenge is. By making special arrangements you are able to go and actually touch the stones, we had made these arrangements, but you have to get there at 7.00 before it officially opens, at 8.00, to the public. When we had gotten our train tickets we were told the earliest train to get there on the 27th would be at 7.30. Not good enough for us, but we ARE going. So we get to an exchange on the way to Salisbury and see a sign that says the train hours for the holidays are the normal weekday schedule, this meant if we caught the right train we would make it with plenty of time. We asked around and met the conductor of the train we wanted, he said yes this is the train you want and yes you will make it. YEEEES! We were pleased to hear this and immediately we find a seat on the train. Short time later we are in Salisbury at about a quarter to 7.00. Great timing! Grab some coco and a pastry and step out side the train station. Still dark out and it is frigid. Made quick work of the coco and meet up with a cabby who will take us to Stonehenge. Starts raining. Talking to the cab driver he says if we pay him 40 pounds he’ll stick around to take us back the scenic route. Sounds fine to me, just get us to Stonehenge. We get to the site which is on top of a hill and the wind is blowing, it’s raining, and super cold. We meet with some other people, who are freezing, and this little guy in about 20 layers of clothing and a bright fluorescent green parka and he reads out names off this list. Gives a speech on how if we start to feel to cold or anything to come right back and they will warm us up. He is wearing clothes “that will keep me warm to –20 degrees, yet I still get cold” so we all need to be mindful of how we are feeling and not get too cold. Also, don’t do this or that to Stonehenge and watch your step.

Following the paved trail that normal visitors are allowed to go on we got to the closest point and just stand there a moment knowing that we paid to actually touch it, but not sure since they do have it all fenced off if we should go off the trail. Another group of people come up and we all say, “all for one, right,” or something and we all cross over the fence. We looked around a bit to make sure they aren’t going come hall us off but relax when we notice that the little guy is just off in the distance watching us. Walking out to the stones the first thing that hit me was just how massive they really are. I mean they must be some thirty feet high, and the cap stones…ugh, I think me seeing it and touching it only created more questions. Anyhow the weather actually started to turn, rain slowed, sun started to peek out, didn’t get much warmed, but we got to spend a good hour out touching, photographing, videoing and just getting an up close look at the stones. Super impressive, spiritual and altogether awe inspiring.

It was kind of disappointing to see that some time “way back when,” people have carved their initials into the stones, but the whole experience was really cool. I think I touched every stone and got every picture that everyone has ever taken. I can’t say I felt anything from the stones, I don’t think I am in tune like that, but they were cold, wet, and rough. Obviously that thing had some important role…what?, will be the question forever I’m sure.

So we went back to the cab and the cabbie has kept it warm for us…super as we are freezing. The only problem I can think of other than the carvings in the stones is that they build the highways so close to it…you can hear the cars go buy on the roads.. back in the cab we start driving this scenic route and the guy is just talking about how the area was just a hot bed for all this activity and he takes us out to a place called Old Sarum. Interesting place, like Stonehenge only made of wood. We are still cold so we just get his explanation and keep going. Shows us a few more things and a little town outside of Salisbury that really does only have one traffic light, and then it is back to Salisbury. Ask him where we can go eat as he drops us in the center of town, then just go walking around a bit… nothing like London, but a nice little British town on the whole. Not much really to do, opted to save money and just go to the station and get back to London. Well, the train to London was rammed full of people and we had to stand for the whole damn ride back…, long but we looked out the window the whole time. Got back to London late, so we went to get a nap.

Got up a bit later and went to the high streets again, actually went to a mc donalds… we don’t usually. And went record shopping some more.(call me silly) got side tracked in HMV by some of the magazines. Really interesting more for shock value, but some were “normal”. Nothing to special, but one had a whole article and the guys were talking about their experiences on all these hardcore drugs. It was like coke, DTM, that damn frog from Brazil, and some other drug that they were all doing at once. Pretty unbelievable, but I used to always be fascinated by what people say about their trips and what there body goes through, those guys were CRAZY.

So after that we walked around some more, went to Trafalgar Square to see the tree, and went to Covent Garden. Covent Garden is a little shopping district that has this bookstore called MAGMA, which I had found out carries this book I had been trying to get for a while. It’s called “3d>2d” and it is a production of the Designers Republic. I have been into the Designers Republic’s work since they did album covers for “Sun Electric” and have always been interested in their style. So this book is a collection of that and now I have it. Well worth the trip in itself. Couldn’t explain the book if I tried, but it deals with the art of design and that sort of thing, really interesting to me. And yes it is art not just some book on design. Really great for our coffee table( ha ha) I was pretty pleased that they still had the book, as I had been told it was sold out and not being reprinted. Went walking onward and found a shoe store I had been hoping to find(I do have a thing for shoes) and bought the most cool pair of dress shoes I’ve ever owned. I should have bought two I find those shoes so comfortable and…anyhow, we went to a pub for some food. Had fish and chips and a pint of Guiness. A superb way to end the day and after eating we just went downstairs to the bar and had a couple drinks and chatted. On the way back to the hotel Kenya spotted a sign for the “Vagina Monologues” and decided we should go check that out later. Get back to the hotel and crash.

Next day we go to the British museum. This has to be the coolest building ever. Not just in structure, but they have “real live” mummies there. I had always wanted to see a real one and it was so worth it. We spent all day in that museum; the Egypt exhibit itself is breathtaking. Got to see the genuine Rosetta stone, and got to touch quite a few Egyptian structures. Also saw some great works of art and this huge library. Like I said we spent all day there and then afterwards we went for pub and grub again. No fish this time, but we met the classic bar drunkard. It was so funny because we could hardly understand with the accent anyhow, but he was so well done, and his teeth…I am so glad for the American dental system. Anyhow, that was entertaining, especially when I tried to order some American cocktails. Let’s just say I’ve never seen such an honestly quizzical look from a bartender before. It was funny, because he knows I was from the states and just had no idea what the hell I was talking about. Ended up just getting whisky and coffee. Went down to Kensington High Street and found a few shops we actually could find clothes we liked. FCUK was ok, and we have Urban Outfitters in Seattle, but they carry different brands, so we were able to pick up some interesting British fashions. Went to all kinds of other stores, but couldn’t find too much other British fashion that would work in the states….their taste is pretty different, more refined. Went to Virgin and got tickets for the True Playaz night and then went and unloaded in the room grabbed another quick nap which turned into sleep. That was a bummer, but we must have needed it.

The next day was a bit chill, got out and things, but nothing terribly exciting. The next day was new years so we did a bit of preparing as far as rest and things. Didn’t go shopping really, walked around and saw the London eye and walked all around the parliament buildings. We felt like we still might want to go to Paris, so we went to Waterloo again and as we were going we came a cross a sushi bar that has the sushi dishes on a conveyor belt, this was the first time I’d seen that. Interesting, but I don’t think I would like sushi so I just observed. Got the skinny on Paris and decided again not to go. Instead we went to the IMAX theatre. I always love to see movies in IMAX, I have been to every IMAX in every town I’ve been to that has one. I do have to say the Omnimax in Portland is the best though. Anyhow, that did a good job a killing time for us and so we went to club Coliseum for the Renegade Hardware New Years thing. It was pretty crazy, I was sporting my “Drum and Bass for a fucked up place” shirt and got all kinds of props for it. Kind of funny, I guess some people over there aren’t so serious about it Drum & Bass. Anyhow got super patted down, met some guys who were sharing their booze and went and had a good night. Saw Cause4Concern(Stu), Dylan, Optical, Fierce, Future Cut, Patife, Andy C, … a bunch of guys. Shook hands with as many as I could, but they were all like double booked for the night so a conversation was out of the question, but I wasn’t trying either. I was disappointed as Ed Rush never played. And I looked real hard, but couldn’t find any shows with Kemal or Rob Data. Anyhow, so the party was pretty mad, but when Andy C got up I swear everyone came in that damn room. It was nuts. I saw nothing but dubplates this night….Optical even brought some stuff off of CD. That was cool, but I would have liked to see Eddie Rush. Funny thing, I knew a friend of mine from here was going to be in London to visit his family, just so happens he comes to the Renegade party also. It was nice to see a familiar face, but at the same time I was trying really to get away. We talked a bit, but were both more interested in partying. I was really hoping to see some really great dancing, but I don’t think anyone in London can dance. Now I don’t want to sound rude, and I am no judge, but damn, I have to say they really couldn't dance in London.

Next day we slept most of the day, went out, but I think everyone else was resting up from the night before also, so we went to a little club and just chilled out a bit.

Next day we went back to the river and Big Ben and parliament and went to an exhibit of Salvador Dali’s work. Really cool and fascinating, a lot of sculptures that are from paintings he has done. Also a lot of pieces that I think most people probably aren’t used to seeing from Dali. It was a good exhibit and took a long time to see it all, you could even buy some of the pieces. I had left my 25,000.00 pounds in my other jacket otherwise I would have bought one, ha ha. Though it would be pretty cool to have one in my possession I would probably end up breaking it or something.

Went way out to zone 2 to an area called Highbury and Islington, this is a retro shopping place we had read about in “time out” and though would have something we would like. It did, but nothing my size. Oh well.
That night we went to the “Vagina Monologues” that was interesting. I think I learned something about women from that, but… it had some tragic stories and some peculiar stories and the readers were good, but I can’t say how it affected me, I laughed when it was funny and was horrified when it was horrifying.

Next day we go out to zone 2 again, but this time to Camden Markets. Now this is a place a person should go. It is this giant open air market with all these different vendors and things. I was really impressed while I was walking by some of the stalls and I see this guy in a camo jacket with his stereo blasting Drum & Bass. Naturally I talk to him, find out what’s up and where the good record stores are. He lets me know and is really cool. Kept walking around as the markets are massive, found some cool vintage stores, other record stores, club clothes stores, but still nothing strikes us as must haves. Start getting hungry and we’re walking when this smell hits us and we are instantly drawn to it. In the middle of this section of the markets is a booth with two people and two GIANT pans of vegetables cooking on them. Only some 3 pound for a helping of this stuff and we are loving it. Here are all the factors that made it so great: the smell, the taste, it was hot, we were cold, the people were super cool, we were there. What was it? I am not completely sure, but it was carrots, onions potatoes, garlic etc etc I can’t pick out all the things, but we ate it all and were so happy with that. mmmmmmm. Anyhow onward to the record store picked up some other gems.

That night is Movement at Bar Rumba so we went. It was PACKED. There is a line around the block, but we finally get in. Turns out Goldie is playing this night so we just dance and have a good time, Goldie plays some stuff, but I am more interested in socializing this night, so I do. Stick around all night, see some familiar faces from new years, (Future Cut), and close the place. Our cab driver was some guy who approached us outside the club. This is not the safest thing to do, but he seemed cool and we were anxious to get back to the hotel.

Get up late the next day, last day here, we’ve got to get everyone’s little gift. That takes all day that night we go back to that Chinese restaurant and have a great meal, got back to the room and try to make everything fit in our luggage. Up early the next day, cab to Victoria Station, train to Gatwick airport and on our flight. So many hours later and we are back.

Picture Evaluation

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