Again...but we just did that.

Almost comical, but it hurts(Yes really). And although they say it gets a bit easier each time, this time is harder because I know it's final, I can't allow it to happen again, I can't keep getting hurt. It's just such a yo-yo, over and over; and with the philosophical. To what end, mental exercise? We can't even get through a month anymore, how can we philosophize about things that aren't even on the horizon. This time has really hurt me, I feel like such a failure. I don't know how good I have to be, but it's never enough, I don't feel it will ever be enough.

Lost.

Ultimately I feel rather lost. I could apply this to just about every part of my life at this point in time, but the most immediate are work, relationships and to a general degree, the day to day. As far as the day to day is concerned I just don't feel like there is anything for me, anything that I really enjoy or get my needs met in. I really can't even imagine what my needs might be, so thats probably part of the problem, but I can tell what my needs aren't(I think). I know I enjoy snowboarding, I can't believe how much I enjoy it and how much I missed it so many years, but I want to do more than that, and there is only a limited amount of time unless I fly to the alps or something. I suppose the rest of the day to day I would enjoy, just don't exist for me here(where I live). This isn't a large metro with museums and boutiques and etc etc, just things that are part of the whole cultural experience of living. Where I live, I would describe at pretty sterile in terms of culture.

Work is my biggest rub at the moment because its pretty bleak and I don't really see any light at the end of the tunnel. Honestly my current position has made me seriously doubt my choice in careers(did I really choose it?) and consider some radically different avenues(Thanks Lo). I know that part of the problem is simply scheduling. It began with school killing my social and personal life, and now work. I'm pretty tired of the current situation, but its kind of a trap for me. What I do is ridiculously easy and not at all stimulating, and in the same breath it is utterly depressing and I have difficulty motivating myself to do anything about it. This, unfortunately, spills into the rest of my life, causing hardship in my social life and killing me on a personal level. My dissatisfaction makes me a downer, and who wants to be around a downer? Not me! With this dissatisfaction from work and me considering other options, it leads me to feel lost about my career choice in a general sort of way, or at least, out of place.

I often find myself thinking hard about other career options and certainly they all have their pluses and minuses, but which ones can I be the success, the contributer, and respectable at that will ultimately give me the satisfaction at the end of the day that I crave. Also, a day job that rarely comes home with me, that's flexible and can allow me to not feel held hostage, but feel like I'm the right person for the job would be nice.

Sigh...., relationships. This is probably the saddest part for me because it's so convoluted, my work schedule kills my social life, and I strive to be a good person and yet I still fail to maintain a successful relationship. I know part of my failures stem from choosing to engage in relationships that I either do not want to succeed in or that I know cannot succeed. Case in point; choosing to have a relationship with a person I knew was moving away, so I had a convienient excuse. Yes, at the time it seemed like a doable thing, I even thought maybe, but ultimately I submitted and allowed the move to be the excuse. No, I didn't want to hurt anyone, but I thought, if I'm clearly seeing this move as a roadblock to our relationship, then they must be also(they weren't, shame on me). Case 2; choosing to have a relationship that I know cannot succeed simply because a large part of me knew that she truly wasn't able or willing to do or engage in the kinds of things that help relationships work. I was so aware of this that I have been quoted as saying, to my mother(of all people), "Don't get attached, it won't last"(shame on me). Well, sometimes you write things down and they come true and sometimes you say things and they come true, so, no it didn't last, I don't believe that statement caused it, but it didn't help the case. But, other than that statement, I was a really good boyfriend, I did things in a relationship(affection-wise) that I'd never have been caught dead doing in years past. I put a lot of effort into meeting the stereotype of a good boyfriend and just tried to be good because I wanted to, and still it failed(like I knew it would). So, ultimately I'm feeling pretty lost in that regard also; I don't know what I should do to do it right, and I don't know where I'm going to meet anyone I'd even care to be good to, especially with my crummy work schedule.

Then, of course, is the whole thing of what do I want in a relationship? I know I can't really answer that directly, I know a lot of what I don't want, and a few of the things I do want. But, I swear it seems like everyone I meet either doesn't know what they want, already has it, just isn't what I want, or wants it 5 minutes ago... And here in this place it's just so desolate of people who might remotely share my agenda in a relationship, or at least be willing to give it a faithful try, that I feel I don't have any options.