good night bad times.

It’s been a while, since July-ish, and I still can’t stop thinking of that woman, I try to scream her out of my head but it doesn’t help. I keep thinking of how things were going, how I thought we were making progress, but when I look back at it all I see that I might have been making progress, but she and I weren’t together on it.

I feel like she robbed me of my happiness, she shattered my dream for us, but I guess that was it, just my dream for us, not our dream. But she didn’t let me in to talk to her, she was too busy with her friends, forgetting me in the process.

I feel like everything I own is a liability to me, preventing me from progressing to the point that I want to be at. I see all my possessions holding me back, holding me to this place, holding me back from advancing in life. I just need to cut everything loose, leave it all behind, completely, and get back to myself. I need to take the time to figure out what that is, who I am now, what I’ve become. I think to myself that I know what that is, but I’m not even certain if I’m not just lying to myself, fooling myself, wishful thinking, or if maybe it is the truth of who I am now. I know I just want out of this place, I want to see the world, I want to wander the world and find my place, find the place that feels right, that I can relax, that I can trust, that has opportunity for me. I just need to be alone for a long, long time.

I do wish, I wish that she and I could work out, that she could see her way back to us, but I don’t believe that will happen, so I’m trying to let go, but I just can’t get her out of my head and I am so sick of thinking about her, I just wish I could take a bullet to the head and clear her from my mind, every speck and memory. I wish eternal sunshine of the spotless mind were real and I could erase a selection of memories, but I would make sure we never meet again.

Down... down....down.

I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to do… I’m so sad, so mad, I feel so lost without your love. I want so bad to love someone like I loved you but I know I can’t do that right now, I don’t even feel like I can love again. I look at all the things around me that I’ve valued so long and now they just don’t matter, I know they have value in some way, but I don’t see it anymore; everything is just a burden on me now, things I have to take care of but I don’t care to, things that hold me to where I am and I don’t want to be here anymore. I try to make progress, make strides to get in a position to get away, but it just seems like I keep getting further and further behind. All I can figure is that I want to be good, I’ve can’t see my ambitions anymore, I don’t know what I’m trying for anymore, or why. I’m so piteous, such a fool I should have seen your deceit, hope I never see it again.